Done. Barely human anymore, but done. And now I sleep.

14 hours...

So many good things to write about, but so little time. 72 hours left in finals week. Once the week is done...

I'm rediscovering the stressed-all-the-time state of being that I had forgetten could be induced by academia.

Are we approaching finals? Yes. But do I have anything due in the next week? No. So why am I stressed? What happened to that "not feeling overwhelmed by work" state of mind that I had just last night?!?

Sunday. And for once, I'm not feeling overwhelmed by work. Two weeks until I'm done.

I really want to work on a campaign, but I can't find the time to drive to New Hampshire or South Carolina. I have lots of time in January before classes start again, but I decided to spend most of that time at home in Oregon.

End of the week. Peace. Calm. Sleep.

2 to 3 inches of snow last night, with another 4 to 6 expected this evening!

Back to the grind. This week has been a continuous struggle since my redeye flight arrived in Baltimore on Monday morning at 10.

Interview went well. Not sure if I want the position(s), but it was good experience. Although my professors say that the firm produces super-high-quality research, a few others said it was also a sweatshop. Hmmmmmm. Maybe not.

Home, finally. No sleep on Monday night, only about 4 hrs on Tuesday night. And now it's midnight on Wednesday night. Any suggestions on how long I will sleep in tomorrow?

I'm a little confused my the grading standards for grad school. Low-key assignments are graded with ridiculous specificity, while I received a high grade on a recent midterm that I thought was poorly written.

I got an interview with the Advisory Board Company for next Tuesday. I haven't interviewed in years, so I'm pretty nervous about it.

No academic work for four days?!? What am I going to do with all of this time?

I've been working on this paper for nearly four full days now. Only twelve hours left, but I'm slowly losing my mind...

Once again, I find myself tackling the issue of whether I want to apply for a Navy scholarship for med school. The only problem is, I have a midterm due in 36 hours, and I don't need to decide about the Navy for at least two years.

Quickly, before I pass out from exhaustion...

Tonight was a night of drunk dials. Receiving them, that is. Five in under three hours. From three of the four US time zones. New Haven, Baltimore, Chicago, San Francisco, and Palo Alto. At least they were a good break from the constant demands of my policy analysis paper... :-)

Worked most of Friday night, virtually all of Saturday, and it looks like I'll be doing the same thing tomorrow. Joy.

Okay, time to sleep.

Getting the first feelings of burnout...must try to sleep more...

Is it bad that I'm already thinking ahead to the weekend, and it's only Tuesday night?

Thank goodness it is the weekend. Last week nearly killed me. This is one of the big problems with eight-week terms...I took finals three weeks ago, and now I'm already working on midterms again. Ugh.

---

I've felt strangely conflicted recently. Not conflicted in a "what should I do with my life?" or "I can't stand my job" sort of way; it's something about the fact that I have two competing perspectives on my life right now.

On one hand, I've had far more stop-and-smell-the-roses moments in the last two months than I ever expected to have during graduate school, and certainly more than I had during my last two years at Stanford. I'm also engaged in my academic development to a degree that I only occasionally reached while at Stanford. I feel thankful for many things, and I feel like I'm doing alright in general. I'm keeping up with my work, getting in shape, and not stressing over insignificant things. Anyone who knows me well can recognize the importance of #3.

At times, though, I wonder if I'm confusing stability with complacency. Or something like that. Sometimes I yearn for the thrilling feeling that I was really, really living. What defined those moments? Emotions, both good and bad. Relationships, in their joy and heartache. Coming back to Toyon after a long day of class and eating with all of your friends. Going fountain hopping. Being able to live in the moment and, for more than a moment, let the burden of the future slip from your mind.

Was Stanford really that ideal? Good question. Yes, in many ways it was. But maybe I just associate Stanford with freedom from burdens because, in many ways, that's what I did during my last two years there. Or, perhaps more accurately, I traded burdens, academic for extracurricular. And maybe therefore my Stanford experience has the feeling of freedom.

But who am I kidding? Freedom?!? The thought makes me laugh. Even if I really think hard about junior and senior years, I can't recall all of the activities I did. It seemed like I had a half dozen meetings a day for a half dozen different groups, plus dorm responsibilities. Oh, yes, and my coursework. So much for sleeping. So perhaps freedom isn't the right word, and maybe that's not why I'm yearning for parts of Stanford.

The community, perhaps? Do I just miss having people around? All the time? Yes, that's part of it. I know it's one reason why I loved Toyon so much...I think that living with 200 people was some sort of social opiate for me. I loved it, and it was one of the most difficult things about leaving college. But I only lived with 5 people in the years after school, and I adjusted to that eventually. So now that I only have one roommate, is that the issue? Or maybe it's just the fact that I don't have that many good friends around here yet. When I was living with the 4 other guys, I still had tons of friends around the Stanford area. So, yes, I think I need to build some stronger friendships here. I don't think I need to go out and meet new people per se; I've met plenty of people through JHSPH, but we're not that close yet. Time will tell.

Or maybe it's the fact that I don't have anyone to care about right now. But I haven't had a serious relationship in nearly a year and a half, so I don't know why that would be troubling me all of the sudden. Maybe it's because I'm back in school, and was in a relationship the last time I was in school? That's not an especially strong claim. Maybe it's the fact that although I am thriving in this academic program, it's still just exactly that -- academics. And no matter how hard I work, there will still always be more to learn. No, that's a stupid argument. So I guess I'm not sure why these things trouble me.

But at least now I can smell the roses.

Back into the grad student routine -- hundreds of pages to read, several papers to write, and not enough time for either. That, and I have no social life.

---

Last weekend, I went out to dinner with my roommate and a friend of his. I'll call her Emily to protect her true identity. Anyway, "Emily" had been on a date a few days prior. When she and date returned to his apartment after dinner, apparently he put on some music by Sting. Emily didn't realize until after she left the apartment that her date may have put Sting on intentionally. Emily's internal debate at the time, and what became our debate during dinner, was whether Sting was a deal closer. Please, don't laugh. Anyway, that started us on a discussion of what music/songs could really be called "deal closers." Any thoughts?

I want to write, but it's 1am and I have class in seven and a half hours. Time to sleep.

Today was a difficult day. Didn't feel very well, had to reschedule an interview (for a month!), still sensing the social effects of last weekend's party. I'm not so thrilled with it. I'm going through pretty significant mood shifts, from enegized and carefree to nervous, introverted, and unsettled.

Hopkins doesn't give out pluses or minuses on its grades. So I missed the "A" cutoff for two classes, each by less than a percent, and so now I have two Bs. Dammit. One more grade left to receive for 1st term...a potential saving grace. It's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out, but I had stellar grades on my midterms so I felt like I should have had better grades locked up.

---

It's strange that relationships often provide so little education about dating.

I went on my first date in a long time last week. She's another masters student in the public health school. The date went well -- the judges would have given me a 9 of 10 on execution, but I'm not sure what I would have received for artistic meric, or whatever the other category is called. Part of me thinks I'm out of practice -- I haven't really dated much in the last year or so....wait, make that the last five years or so....but I'm not sure that's it. There was something missing from the date, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Maybe she had fun, but she's just not interested in me, and I could sort of sense it. Or maybe I'm just not used to the first-date feeling of walking the emotional tightrope, careful not to lean too far in either direction.

Or maybe I'm just scared. It's a little odd to be dating again (not that 1 date really counts as "dating"), and it's more than a little worrisome to suddenly realize that I have to remember The Rules. Ugh. And not let it get in the way of school, which is actually going very well despite my grading complaints above. Anyway, I have this cycle in which I freak out about not being up-to-date on my dating technique, then realizing that The Rules are subjective and that I'm not chained to them, then realizing that dating shouldn't be this stressful, then realizing that I've only been on one date so far, so even if it didn't go well (which, again, I don't really know yet) it's not a big deal since I gave it a good shot. I chill out, a few hours pass, and I realize that I don't know what she thought of the date (although as time passes & she doesn't call back that gets more and more clear), so I freak out about the fact that I don't "date well." Or some paranoid anxiety like that. Cycle repeats. Sounds healthy, no? The good thing is that I've been through it before, and I know it goes away (for the most part), but right now I just have to get through it. Fun.

So I've jumped back into my exercise-until-you're-not-stressed routine. Sunday it was about 3 hours of weighlifting. Yesterday, basketball, albeit not enough. Today, rock climbing, which is good for the fear- and adrenaline-quotients, but not very good on the "run and run and run until every muscle burns so much that you don't care about silly emotional worries anymore" aspect. Maybe I just need to climb more. Or stop dating. I think I'll just climb more.

Bedtime.

I hate Sprint. God, I wish I could cancel my plan. Take a look at:

http://www.theworst.com

and

http://www.sprintpcs-sucks.org

My new life.

I feel like I'm going through a personal...renaissance? revolution? reform? None of those exactly, but something along those lines.

My habits are changing in this new environment. I wake up early. I listen to different music. I'm looking to buy other types of clothes. These are all minor things -- they're not going to change my outlook on life or my career goals. At the same time, I feel like these changes have been waiting for a long time to occur. In retrospect, I feel like I was stagnating for the last year is that these things were not changing....like I was locked into a certain inescapable routine. Now that I'm free, I'm growing and evolving again.

(pause) Hmmm. That last paragraph doesn't exactly capture what I'm trying to say, but I don't know how better to say it...

Anyway, I started my second term today. Instead of the broad sampling of classes I had last term, I'm now focused primarily on policy and finance courses: the American health system, the Role of Government in Health Policy, Fundamentals of Financial Management, etc. I have 8:30 classes again, but this time only on Tuesday & Thursday instead of every day. My first and only class on Monday runs from 3:30 - 6:00. I can already sense that I'm going to be doing a lot more writing this term -- the idea of getting a laptop is looking more and more beneficial every day.

Four days until Halloween! Hopefully my new phone will be working in time to take some pictures that night! (It's still weird to refer to my phone in regard to taking pictures.)

Yay.
Finals are over.
Next term begins on Monday.
Halloween is a week from today.
Spending the entire weekend cleaning my apartment.
Trying to figure out my dating life.
Reading a new book for fun.
Sleeping more.
Now.

Muscleman Put In Charge of World's Fifth-Largest Economy

Tired. Many, many late nights since my last post. 2 hrs on Sunday night, 4 hrs on Monday night. Now that I only have finals left, though, I can target my studying on those specific items. Tonight I'm aiming for 10 hrs. :-)

Seven days until I'm done with finals for my first term.

One of many, many reasons why I don't like Texas.

Time for celebration -- I demolished the MCAT. In the words of Mike and many ESPN anchors, "Booyah!"

An odd feeling: I want to work, but I have to go to bed because it's after 11. Ugh. For once, I actually want to stay up and get stuff done!

I'm cooking again. Not quite as much as I used to -- my kitchen is tiny -- but I'm getting back into the spirit.

This week's accomplishment: the Tarte Tatin with creme fraiche.

Irritating item of the week #1: Students in lecture who are unable to whisper well. They try to be quiet but utterly fail.

Timing is everything. I'll just leave it at that.

Thinking.

I organize my music not by artist or title but instead by emotion. Angry songs, joyous songs, contemplative songs, relaxing songs. It's-the-weekend songs. Embarassing pop songs (the actual phrase i use). Melodramatic songs. Motivational songs. And so on.

I have really been focusing on the angry songs for the last two weeks. Don't really know why. I don't feel angry.

So this is the life of a grad student, I suppose, or at least one that is trying to catch up on work. It's the weekend, and I've spent both nights up past midnight so I can work on academics. It's thrilling, I promise you.

Please, IM me and take me away from the work. :-)

and if there's no tomorrow
and all we have is here and now
I'm happy just to have you
you're all the love I need somehow

Happy Jewish New Year, a few days late!

Yay for the weekend. :-)

Things I've accomplished in the last 2 days:
Cleaned my entire apartment
Laundry
Grocery run
Haircut
Organized all of my academic papers (~1200pgs)
Drycleaning delivered
Started a problem set more than a week in advance
Started a paper more than two weeks in advance
Started research on my Policy Initiative project
And took a nap. :-)

Time Magazine's cover story this week paints an interesting picture of the Iraqi WMD situation and why we may never find any.

To quote my friend Peter, "Ottmar Liebert is a god among men." I happen to agree!

I'm trying to get in better shape, and my first big cardio workout wastoday - 11 miles on the stationary bike, then 3 miles or so running around campus and the local neighborhoods. It felt good. Now I just have to stick to a workout schedule!

I am not a fan of Super Fresh. It's my local supermarket, but they lack the fundmental competence to respond to a simple comsumer request: "Can I get change for a dollar?"

My cashier couldn't do it. I wasn't sure if that meant that she no no change available, which I doubt, or whether she just wasn't allowed to. So she sent me to customer service. The customer service woman, who is either a terribly unhappy women or just looks like it all the time, told me that she was not able to make change either. She, too, had a cash register but told me that the place to get change was "the podium." Apparently that's the word they use to incorrectly describe a small table at the front of the store where one of the managers sits. Or at least that is where they are supposed to sit; I walked over to it and waited for 10 minutes before a manager returned. When I asked for change, she gave me a perplexed look, as if she didn't speak english.

"No," she said.

"No, as in you can't make change for me, or no, as in nobody in this store is allowed to do so?"

"Huh?"

"I want to change this 5 dollar bill for a few dollar bills and a few quarters. I have already purchased food from your store, but apparently neither the cashier nor the customer service worker was capable of doing so. So," - pause, look for nametag - "Renee, can you help me out?"

Renee the Shift Manager thought for a moment, then walked over to a cashier and had a short conversation. "She'll take care of you," Renee blurted out as she hurriedly escaped my questioning.

A minute later, I handed my $5 to the cashier and said, "I just need a dollar or two in quarters." She took the bill, gathered money from the cash register, and handed the cahnge to me."

"Thanks."

I looked at what she had given me -- four 1 dollar bills, 5 dimes, and 2 quarters.

Ugh. I walked gave up and walked out of the store. 2 minutes later, Rite Aid had exchanged $4 in quarters. Finally!

If a competitor supermarket open up anywhere nearby, I am going to shop there like crazy.

It has been a good weekend...

Went to Baltimore's "Power Plant Live" center on Friday night with my roommate and friends. It's named for the huge (no longer operational) power plant that is a landmark of Baltimore's Inner Harbor. It has lots of bars, clubs, etc., and we were there dancing for a few hours. Got home around 4am. Good times.

Today I spent a lot of the day studying epidemiology. Miderm on Monday. Then cleaned the apartment and watched "Die Another Day." Entertaining but a little too long.

Tomorrow I have simple goals: do laundry and clean my room.

I try to avoid posting song lyrics on here, but these jumped out at me through the late-night haziness of my biostatistics problem set. The dark, brooding feel that permeates Evanescence songs is perfect for these late nights. And, surprisingly, they have some songs that are slower, more reflective, more musical than their radio singles.

.........................

Evanescence / "My Immortal"

my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

I've tried to count the number of blogs that are named "A Moment of Clarity" or some derivative thereof. I lost count at about a billion. Also, lots of sites about alcoholism and recovery programs.

From Pulp Fiction: "You know, I was sitting here contemplating, eating my muffin, and I had what alcoholics call a "moment of clarity."

I'll make sure to remember that when I'm sitting in my epidemiology lecture tomorrow morning at 8:15, eating my muffin and contemplating why I am so tired.

It has been a rough couple days -- lots of late nights working on my medicare paper or preparing for midterms (already!). And I started class less than four weeks ago! I guess that's what I get for having an 8-week academic term. Ugh. Anyway, the paper is done and I had one of the exams this morning. One more problem set this week, then two midterms early next week. It ought to make for a busy weekend.

On a completely unrelated note, I failed the jealousy test again today. Hmmmmm. I wonder how long I'll take to pass it this time.

My classmates and I are meeting on Friday to begin the process of picking a policy topic on which we will draft legislation for the Maryland House of Delegates. Seriously! Any suggestions?

Off to bed...

Back from NYC - time to work now.

Hopkins cancelled classes after noon today, and the entire school is shut down tomorrow. The due date for my Medicare paper was moved to Tuesday. That's good news for me -- there was no was I was going to finish my the paper on time.

I'm planning to go to NYC this weekend as long as Isabel doesn't make the roads impassable.

My head hurts. Too much typing today. Four or five pages done, still lots more to finish before Friday.

I made real progress today...

-- first big workout (3 hrs!) at the new JHU gym
-- completed a huge problem set, which included learning a huge new statistics management program named Stata
-- finally organized all of the furniture and ethernet cables in our living room
-- cleaned my desk
-- picked a paper topic for my policy analysis paper: the Medicare prescription drug benefit for seniors and the major differences b/t the House and Senate bills
-- and found out that Hurricane Isabel is heading right toward me

Tomorrow ought to be a good catch-up day, too. Only two classes -- Management and Biostatistics -- then home by lunch!

Sleep.

What a difference a month makes. The present aspects of my life are nothing like what it was just four week ago. I'm not complaining -- I love school so far, it is fun to explore a new city, and I am excited about the next two years -- but in retrospect it's tough to remember all the emtional changes I've been through this summer. One month ago, I was in a completely different world in that regard.

The summer session was enlightening. I think that's the best word for it. I don't know if it was the timing (right before the MCAT and my departure from California) or the environment (the unique dorm lifestyle of having many of your friends just steps away) or something else entirely...but it made me especially contemplative. I spent a lot of time reflecting on important issues that are usually overlooked in the hustle of day-to-day life.

It was an experience I only shared with a few people, and it's hard for me to understand it without any of them here. It sort of feels like waking suddenly in the middle of the night with a dream's emotional remnants lingering in your mind. You're not really aware of what the dream was about until days or weeks later when something you see or hear suddenly brings it back to the forefront of your mind.

Or something like that.

It's amazing how quickly one can forget certain lessons. In high school I had to learn to appreciate the moment -- to stop worrying about the small stuff, to enjoy and experience the situations that I would never have again. I had to realize that something's always wrong, big or small, and that my inability to let go of the little problems would make it tough to enjoy the big moments. When I organized events, I had to come to terms with the fact that things never went exactly as planned, and that I needed to take them in in stride -- or not deal with them at all -- so I didn't get distacted from the larger picture. If I was in a relationship that wasn't perfect, I had to realize that relationships are inherently difficult and that I certainly wouldn't make things any better by always being distracted from the present by the potential future problems.

I think I forgot that things in life are rarely that clean-cut.

(pause)

Time for bed. Enough thinking for now.

Done with week two. Two problem sets, two labs, one paper, and about 400 pages of reading done.

I'm going to New York next weekend! We're having a mini-reunion of sorts.

My car is parked at a parking meter that has been stuck at "3hr45min" for nearly three weeks. :-)

Time for sleep. Will write this weekend.

It's so sad to lose touch with people. In many cases it's inevitable, and I've learned to adjust to that. But it really sucks when you're trying hard to keep up with someone else and you realize that they just don't care as much. Or at all. And then you start wondering how long that has been the case, and whether you've just been blind to it...

Part of me wonders if I'll ever get back in touch with the "inevitable" crowd. There were lots of people I knew of at Stanford who seemed like cool people, but they had different interests/friends/schedules and we never got to know each other. Or what about the middle group -- those people who you knew well for a while, and you'd still talk with them for a while if you ran into them on the street -- but otherwise it might seem weird if you contact them....do you ever wonder if those people ask the same thing about you?

A moment of clarity this is not.

Finally -- I'm back. Wow, what a crazy three weeks it has been.

My courses for this term (note that a term at the JHSPH is only eight weeks...so I'll be starting a new set of classes in November):
Biostatistics
Intro to Epidemiology
Intro to Health Policy
Seminar in Health Policy
Managing Health Services Organizations

Sounds like a whole bunch of fun, no? :-)

My first email access in a week. Finally! Technology withdrawl sucks.

I've moved into my apartment (still no bed), started orientation, and am slowly figuring out how to survive in Baltimore. So far, so good.

Call me! I'm bored, and my new plan with Sprint gives me a ton of minutes. :-)

Okay, gotta go be productive...

Just got an evite to a party in Palo Alto. (sigh) And so my detatchment begins...

That was another long day. And tomorrow will make it four in a row.

It's odd to be home for a day, after being gone for so long, and then to leave again twenty four hours later.

I haven't even had time to recognize that I'm done with the summer college program, let alone the fact that I moved out of the Bay Area. Once again, life has been put on hold until I settle into my apartment in Baltimore...and then there still will not be time to deal with these issues.

Okay, okay, I'm too tired to express anything interesting. To bed for 4 hours.

Well, that was an interesting six years in the Bay Area.

Back in Portland now. Numbers for the drive:
Hours: 10
Miles:667
Stops: 2
Maximum speed I reached when I believed I was only going 80: 97
Reasons why that speed was not dangerous at that time: 3 lanes, no traffic, long downhill stretch.
Subway sandwiches: 2
Caffeineated beverages: 4
Calls from friends: 3
Incidents when a state trooper pulled up behind me but it took me a while to move out of the way because I had so much stuff in the car that I couldn't see out the back: 1
Days since I got a full night's rest: 8

I wish I'd had a recorder in the car last night. So many thoughts to reflect on when there's nothing else to think about except the lack of good radio stations and the semis I kept passing on my right.

I changed my keychain yesterday. Removed the remaining Stanford keys, my Eating Clubs keycard thingie (why did I still have that on there? I have been out of Toyon for two years.), key to the volunteer office @ Stanford hospital, and other random Stanford keys whose use I've forgotten. I definitely have at least $50, probably more like $100, in key deposits at Stanford that I never redeemed. Oh well. Now I'm debating whether to remove the "bev-key" thing...it's not like I drink much, and it doesn't really help with wine bottles at all. Maybe it's time to start a new keychain entirely.

In a way, I sort of enjoyed the fact that I was rushed to leave Stanford yesterday. It made it easier on me, not having the time to reflect on the place and what it means to me.

Now I have to empty my car -- I wish I had a digital camera so I should show you how full it is. I couldn't see out the rear window, and at least half of the passenger window was blocked. Everything is full -- the trunk, the area under the seats, the area between the back seats and the rear window. Listening to the radio was slightly annoying last night because every speaker besides the one in the driver's door was blocked, so i didn't hear much with my right ear. You wouldn't think it was that big of a deal, but it had the effect of making me feel like my right ear was blocked, sort of like when the airplane cabin is pressurized and your hearing is thrown off a little bit.

Time to unload the car.

So many thoughts racing through my head, but they're not very blog-able.... :-(

I'm done with the MCAT, but I really wish it were June again. This summer has been unbelievable. Don't get me wrong -- I'm sure grad school will be a great experience -- but I don't think it will be quite as much fun as a free summer at Stanford.

Sweet. Done with the MCAT. And if that weren't enough, I'm now packing up my life and getting ready to move...all in the same day!

I'm off to the hotel to get ready for tomorrow. See you on the other side. :-)

Sad realization of the night: I won't have enough time to see most of my local friends before I leave. :-(

Two studying days left. Then a day of rest before the exam. I can make it.

Making progress.

Topics I have covered since Sunday:
enzyme kinetics, cellular metabolism, reproduction and embryology, molecular genetics, neurochemistry, immunochemistry, electrochemistry, Gibb's Free Energy, thermodynamics, the Bohr atom, optics, gague pressure, Bernoulli's Equation, Pascal's Law, redox reactions, and carboxylic acid derivatives.

And there's more waiting for me tomorrow!

Karen says, "It would be better if the exam were just about cats." I agree.

Late-night thoughts.

The inner self vs. the public self. Or perhaps the inner self and the public self, not necessarily at odds with one another.

Lauren says I have two very different sides -- one public, one private -- and I reply that everyone does. But I think she means that my two sides are more disparate, more contrasting, than those of most people. It's an interesting thought. I guess that raises the question of which "me" is talking here...private issues in a public forum. Hmmmm. Ideally, it would be my inner/private self. Although Ravi raises a good point: shouldn't those two be the same, at least in theory? If I'm honest with those around me and I am not conspiring to deceive them, then why should there be a difference? (No, that last sentence didn't make any sense.) Maybe I just see my public self, especially in the high school program, as being a Leadership role, whereas in private, or with friends, there's no need for that role. Then I'm just me. But when the high schoolers are around, I'm paid to be the Authority, not me. Maybe that's why. Now the question I have for myself is which side I will present to my grad school classmates. More on that later.

I reflect on the people I have met and the lessons I have learned from this experience. First, the summer college program reminded me why I loved life as a Stanford student. Keep in mind that I didn't have any classes this summer (and maybe that parallels my behavior as a student a little too closely), and the students in the dorms were high schoolers, but in all honesty I didn't spend much time with them. I spent time with the staff. They defined this summer for me, more than the MCAT (again) or getting ready for grad school or signing up for a bizillion dollars in student loans. They reminded me of what it was like to be a student -- having soooo many options in front of you that you don't know where to begin -- to facing the terrifying prospect of finding a job and moving off campus for the first time. Perhaps more important to me right now, though, is learning (or re-learning) lessons about myself from the staff members I have come to know so well in such a short time. Some are obvious and direct; I still speak too quickly for many people. Other lessons come from watching others, seeing my habits (or, in some cases, the traits I hope to acquire) reflected in them. I'm being vague, I know, but I don't really want to single out people here. I hope to tell them in person before the end of the week. Or, if not, maybe they'll know somehow that they taught me something valuable.

The ideas are fading, so that's probably it for tonight. Considering I have been studying 10 hours/day, I think I am doing pretty well. :-)

For reflection, a quote originally by George Bernard Shaw (and later by Robert Kennedy):

You see things and say 'Why?'; but I dream things that never were and I say 'Why not?'

So many thoughts, so unsure what to write. I think blogging is an excellent acticivity for when you don't know who else to talk to, or when you want to post a question to the world. Since my concerns focus on two things that aren't really blog-able -- the MCAT and spending time with my friends who I'll soon be leaving -- it seems inappropriate to sit here, reflect, and write while the remaining hours pass by. If you want to talk, call me!

I think I found an apartment! Good location, good price, parking available, and the shuttle that goes to the medical campus stops at my front door.

Freedom.

Stress has trapped me for the last week. Last night, a talk with a friend set me free.

I'm almost always surprised by the emotional walls that people establish to keep others at a distance. Everyone has them, obviously, but they vary so much from person to person. Last night, my friend discussed two different models for this phenomenon: either a person has many small walls that grow in importance (and degree of difficulty to get past, so to speak), or they have one enormous, nearly impassable barrier behind which much of their true personality lies. Since I fall into the former, I always have to remind myself that others aren't as easy to get to know. Or at least you can spend a significant amount of time with them, learning their habits, phrases, and mannerisms, without truly learning about them as a real, unique, opinionated individual.

My tone sounds critical, I know, but that's not my intent. Part of me just wishes it was easier to get to know these people.

Sharing joy and excitement is only half of building trust and a friendship. Strong bonds come more from expressing vulnerability, concern, and fear; the topics we don't want to admit that we deal with. In these moments we show the values and beliefs that guide our day-to-day life, not just the "daily update" of personal news that gives you a superficial awareness of another's activities but not a sense of their character.

Someone shared a personal concern with me today. Not a trivial concern about the weather, or the dining hall food, or even the stress that we all feel as the end of the summer approaches. Instead, it was a subtle invitation to step past the next emotional wall and get to know her as a person just a little bit better. We were having an abstract conversation about serious personal issues, and she volunteered a comment that related the issue to the context of her life, her beliefs, her fears. The comment flowed with the conversation we were having, so it wasn't awkward or out of place, but it was a voluntary contribution that was by no means necessary. Yet it showed a willingness to share a little of herself.

Don't get me wrong -- I don't think we need to go out and start sharing our deepest vulnerabilities and fears with each other. And definitely these issues are time-sensitive; we couldn't share all character at one time, even if we wanted to. But sharing a little bit at the appropriate time, taking the little risk of sharing your heart and mind with those around you, that's what helps build strong relationships.

4:00am. We'll see how silly this sounds when I wake up.

Another good "loud and angry" song for this week is "So Far Away" by Staind.

I continued writing The Letter today. Almost 5 pages, 12 point single-spaced Times.

The MCAT is creeping up on me....I have to dedicate this entire weekend to studying.

My last day at work. So sad! :-( My coworkers keep stopping by and saying nice things. I just received a little photo album they made for me!

Ugh. The last three days have been awful. I'll explain later.

Evanescence's "Going Under" is my theme for this week. It vents my anger.

Considering my experience with hypnosis, I found this article on meditation pretty exciting.

"Meditation is being recommended by more and more physicians as a way to prevent, slow or at least control the pain of chronic diseases like heart conditions, AIDS, cancer and infertility. It is also being used to restore balance in the face of such psychiatric disturbances as depression, hyperactivity and attention-deficit disorder (ADD). In a confluence of Eastern mysticism and Western science, doctors are embracing meditation not because they think it's hip or cool but because scientific studies are beginning to show that it works, particularly for stress-related conditions."

A speech from six years ago that I still reflect on today:

"Love is life's longing for itself, says the Prophet, in a book by Kahlil Gibran. For me, that comes the closest to explaining why we love you -- which is why we are working in this school district, why is why we are in this world. Because most of us -- teachers, principals, secretaries, coaches, administrators, patents, volunteers -- are not here for the money or the intellectual challenge or because we have no other choice; we are here for love.

"I myself did not sign on to this job for love. I signed on to the school board to pursue and social and political ideal. Three years later I have met with little success in that regard, but I gained something else instead. I have learned at gut level what I had known only in theory: that tangible results and official accomplishments are not the only measure of success in work and in life.

"The first years I was on the board I met with a group of Lakeridge kids to talk about school issues. These students came to my house once a month to share stories, ask questions, offer ideas; there were savvy and insightful and often drop-dead funny, open an generous, honest and thoughtful, and -- most amazingly -- they trusted me and each other. They taught me, by example, what I was really here for, and it wasn't the academic task. I was here for them, and for me, and for the connection between us. I was here for love.

"Caring, helping, supporting one another; feeling sympathy, affection, excitement; sharing a personal connection, being on the same wavelength: love is the sine qua non, the essential element, without which nothing we do has meaning or purpose or lasting value.

"But of course, love is not just warm and fuzzy, like a Hallmark card or a Meg Ryan movie -- as you probably know, it can be 10 parts pain to 1 part pleasure. No, it is both reward and punishment for being alive, for getting involved, for leading with your heart. I said to my friend, 16-year old Alexis, "I've decided to talk about love at graduation. Tell me something about love, Alexis." "Love," she says, "it sucks." So I had to give Alexis a copy of The Velveteen Rabbit -- we education people are always giving people books -- wherein the Skin Horse places the pain of love in its proper context, the context of being real.

When a child loves you for a long long time," the Skin Horse says, "not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen to toys who break easily, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But those things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can'y be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"Which is to say, we are here because we need you as much as you need us -- you make us glad and proud, exhausted and used up -- you make us Real.

Love is life's longing for itself. And we see our lives reflected in yours; in your incessant guitar-playing, your interminable phone conversations, your obsessions and idiosyncrasies...we see ourselves reflected in you, in your excuses and apathy and infuriating procrastination, in your heartbreaking misery and despair, in your painfully familiar self-consciousness and shyness, in your stubbornness, your impatience, your hopefulness when the odds are terrible, in your disappointment with the world, in your screw-ups and failures, in your energy and determination and fundamental goodness -- you remind us of nobody like ourselves. And thus you keep us connected -- hopeful, vulnerable, and still believing in love.

"So. I recommend that you stay open to taking the emotional venture, the personal risk, that you stay open to life and to love. Imperfect as it is, painful as it can be, it still comes back more than anything else ever will. When your heart lurches, trust it -- it knows the work you should be doing, the risk you should be taking, the person you should be getting to know.

"And if you remember nothing else from high school, not the Pythagorean Theorem or the taxonomic classifications, remember this: you are loved. That's why we are here. And everyone single one of you will be sorely missed -- as the Skin Horse said, it hurts sometimes."

Susan Blackman
Lakeridge High School graduation
June 5, 1997

Can't sleep, again. Too much on my mind. Especially some ridiculous things that I really shouldn't be worrying about.

I want to cook. I miss being able to burn off stress by doing something productive. Studying for the MCAT doesn't help in that regard.

My fan broke. :-( Do I buy another one for the summer, then ship it home? Or just deal with the heat?

Living and interacting with the kids in the high school program has made me reflect a lot on my own personal development. One of the staff members commented early in the program that the social dynamics among high school student is the closest thing we can get to human nature. I don't know if I agree with that, but it's an interesting thought. How much do we grow up after high school? Certainly, our view of the world changes immensely, but how much do our social habits change? At the risk of echoing the useless social commentary on Sex and the City, how much do our interactions fundamentally change from the high school hallways to corporate America? Or from gender-segregated high school dances to the local bar scene?

I think today is an especially good day for a nap. :-)

I feel unsettled tonight. Uncomfortable. Anxious. Can't sleep, can't sit still.

Too many things on my mind. Apartments. The MCAT. New friendships forming as I prepare to leave. Old friendships dissolving.

Maybe sleep will help.

14 days of work left. I want to quit soooooo much.

Another night staying up ridiulously late with the summer college staff. Maybe some day we'll learn...

No luck so far in the Baltimore apartment search. More calls today.

Thanks to Laurel for pointing me toward an online Myers-Brigs test. I'm an ENFJ. How about you? I ususally give these things about as much credibility as the horoscope, but the few "type descriptions" I've seen have been a pretty good match to people I know of that type. (Did that make any sense?) I'm a little disappointed that I'm the same M-B type as Ronald Reagan, but I suppose I'll get over it. :-)

More MCAT class tonight. I think we're doing general chemistry tonight -- probably the least interesting part (and often the most difficult, at least for me) of the entire exam.

Today I committed myself to $33,717 in student loans. Yay. And when I get time in the next few days, I'll open up a checking account with Citibank and file for another $15,000 or so. Exciting, no? At least the interest rate is ridiculously low. My dad tells me that when he and my mom moved to New York (with me...I was probably 2 years old at the time), the prime rate was a little above 17%. Wow.

Work was boring today. 17 days left.

I'm writing a hand-written letter. Not right now, obviously, but recently I've been working on it. It's a strangely foreign exercise.

Still waiting for my Summer College paycheck. They already deducted my housing and food expenses from my SAA paycheck -- leaving me with $27.04 -- so I'm hoping I can get the other paycheck soon.

25 minutes of work left. Time to act like I'm working. :-)

I love the occasional instance when there is a lot of new good music on the radio. My current favorite is Dido's new song called "White Flag." Haunting yet comforting.

My first night to bed before 4am in the last 5 or 6 days. This program is _not_ going to give me a sleep routine that will be a positive influence when I start grad school in the fall.

What a week. Now it's time to sleep. :-)

From a fellow staff member at the Summer College:

"Of course the people don't want war...That is understood. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy... All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
- Herman Goering, Adolf Hitler's Deputy Chief and Luftwaffe Commander, at the Nuremberg trials, 1946 from "Nuremberg Diary" by G.M. Gilbert

I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

My guitar sits in the corner, unused. Tomorrow I will fix that.

Today's high: 94 F. Tomorrow: 82 F. I feel better already.

I'm looking forward to my return to the ER this weekend. During my last shift, two weeks ago, I was permitted to watch my first surgery. A male patient, roughly my age, had been brought to the ER after being shot a half dozen times. He was transferred quickly to the OR and I watched from the back of the room as the surgeons began the procedure, probably about 12 feet from me. I watched for almost 4 hours, by which time it was nearly dawn -- and the surgeons still had hours of work ahead of them!

I've reached my minimum commitment requirement for the ER volunteer program -- 150 hours -- but I hope to get around 200 by the time I finish the program and move to Baltimore.

Speaking of Baltimore, I think I've found an apartment complex....now I just have to go through the process of actually securing an apartment! I'm also looking for a laptop for school next year...any suggestions?

For the first time in nearly a month, I feel settled again. (sigh) Finally.

I'm having a great time in my summer job as a Resident Counselor for high school students in the Summer College program. Since I'm only starting to know the students, most of the program so far has revolved around training and eating. After cooking for myself for much of the last two years, it's really nice to have food available at the dining hall. And it's surprisingly good. (The fact that it's free is another plus.) I'm also excited to get to know the other staff members -- they are a ton of fun to hang out with, and I'm sure we'll get to know each other pretty well during the program.

Ugh. 2:00 a.m. again. I have to start getting to bed earlier. And to think - this is the time in the program when the high schoolers are the _least_ disruptive...

I'm back online! Living out of boxes for two weeks wasn't pleasant, nor was moving twice within that time. But it's over! Now I'm getting ready to fly down to San Diego on Friday for my roommate's wedding!

While ordering breakfast this morning at a cafe on campus, I overheard,

"Hi. I'd like two eggs, scrambled, two pancakes, a bananna, a glass of orange juice, and a Red Bull."

Red Bull for breakfast?!?

I started my present job in August 2001. It is now June 2003. That's 22 months. And in those 22 months, I have moved desks six times. A quick, nonscientific poll of my coworkers reveals that they've moved an average of 1.2 times during those 22 months (n=18).

Tomorrow, I move again. I'm aiming for 10 moves by the time I leave this job in mid-July. :-)

This made my weekend sad: "Graduation party ends in death on 19th Ave."

More good news on the dividend tax cut -- now we've abandoned provisions stating that only US-based companies could offer tax-free dividends:

"Treasury reformers also said that only U.S.-based companies would be able to pay tax-free dividends. That, the theory held, would create shareholder pressure to force the Tycos and Ingersoll-Rands of the world to move their headquarters back to the United States from Bermuda, where they'd gone in order to dodge taxes. Guess what: That provision is gone, too."

And here's the kicker: "Congressional tax staffers, who for obvious reasons prefer to remain anonymous, think they've already found a multibillion-dollar loophole created by the Senate legislation."

If it only took a few days for congressional staffers to find a loophole, what will happen when corporate tax lawyers have a couple months with it?

Warren Buffett weighed in on the Bush administration's dividend tax plan with an op-ed in the Washington Post:

• "The annual Forbes 400 lists prove that -- with occasional blips -- the rich do indeed get richer. Nonetheless, the Senate voted last week to supply major aid to the rich in their pursuit of even greater wealth."
  
• "Putting $1,000 in the pockets of 310,000 families with urgent needs is going to provide far more stimulus to the economy than putting the same $310 million in my pockets."
  
• Supporters of making dividends tax-free like to paint critics as promoters of class warfare. The fact is, however, that their proposal promotes class welfare. For my class."
  

I'm having my wisdom teeth extracted tomorrow (5/16). Ought to be a fun time.

31 hours until The Matrix Reloaded opens...25 hours until I'm waiting in line...

"The administration's antebellum accounts of the Iraqi weapons hoard are looking every bit as dubious as Enron's electricity transactions, and they increasingly seem as phony a casus belli as the destruction of the Maine in Havana Harbor."

Harold Meyerson's Op-Ed piece in today's Washington Post talks about Bush, weapons of mass destruction, and manufacturing evidence to start a war.

"Apparently, Bush administration intelligence is to intelligence as Fox news is to news. Facts are fine so long as they bolster the president's case. When they don't, they will be suppressed or forgotten, and other, more congenial facts will be found. As at Enron, there are leading figures in this administration who think that when the real facts don't look so good, it's fine to substitute your own."

"Giving them the benefit of the doubt, of course, they simply may have been very credulous in the face of the INC's material (not a hugely comforting thought). And certainly, unlike the Enron gang, they weren't putting out these detailed accounts of unreality in an attempt to cover up crimes or enrich themselves. They merely wanted to start a war. No big deal."

Hmmmm. Wait a second. Does this make any sense? Bush drives our military into Iraq, we oust Hussein...and then re-appoint senior Baath party members to government positions?

I'll be a good liberal today and talk about the administration giving favors -- or nearly $500 million in profit -- to their friends at Haliburton Co. In this land of capitalism and the free market, I am not surprised to hear that the US Army Corps of Engineers awarded a $7 billion contact to Haliburton without competition.

One thing that really angers me -- CEOs getting paid millions and millions and millions of dollars while their companies are collapsing and their workers are losing their jobs.

If you have lots, lots, lots more money to spend, why don't you participate in the Gumball Rally, a cross-country road race for the exuberantly wealthy?

Highlights from SF Chronicle article:

• The event, inspired by the classic Burt Reynolds road flick "Cannonball Run, " is not for the faint of heart, shallow of pocket or early to bed. First-time gumballers pay about $12,000, which includes breakfast, dinner and lodging, but doesn't cover gas, speeding tickets, bail or beverages.


• Driving the Ferraris, Porsches, Aston Martins, Morgans, Lamborghinis, Bentleys, Jaguars, a Koenigsegg (one of the world's fastest cars) and vintage muscle cars were a motley mix of British royalty, tipsy bon vivants, models, corporate chieftains and the simply motor-obsessed.


• Outside Las Vegas last year, one gumballer did doughnuts, hitting a Ferrari 360 Spyder, which hit a Porsche 911, which hit an Audi RS4. The drivers hired a helicopter to take them to the Playboy mansion. On another rally, a socialite was caught speeding, topless, on the French autoroute. Exceeding 150 mph is not uncommon; tickets are plastered on the windshield like badges of honor.


• Abi, who describes himself as a retired soccer player in his early 30s, attended last year's rally from New York to Los Angeles. He and his buddy drove a Dodge Viper, which reached speeds of 165 mph, he said. A Ferrari F50 clocked 209 mph, he added. "My co-driver got arrested going 158 mph in Tennessee," Abi said. "He was arrested, handcuffed and taken to jail. I couldn't stop laughing." They got 28 tickets in six days, he said.
  

Have some extra money? Why not buy a talking doll of the Iraqi Information Minister?

From an editorial that appeared on the Web site of the London-based, Saudi-owned media organization Dar Al-Hayat.com. I found it on CNN:

Frankly, I missed Mohammad Said al-Sahhaf. He is the only Iraqi official who I think deserves full amnesty on all his previous crimes, because of his cuteness when he was lying in the face of the disaster. But where is Mohammad Said al-Sahhaf? Where are Saddam and his sons? Where is Tarek Aziz? Where is the rest of the gang?

I heard that al-Sahhaf has been captured, and then he issued a statement denying it, and declaring that he was the one who actually captured the Americans. Then I heard that when Saddam's statue was destroyed in Baghdad, al-Sahhaf made a statement to say that the statue was for one of Saddam's doubles.

Here's a new high-risk way to stop a bank robbery: make fun of the bank robber and say the bank is out of money.

Back from my trip to Baltimore -> New Haven -> Boston. I had a great time, but I am pretty worn out! I'm 95% sure that I'll be going to Johns Hopkins next year.

From Time Magazine this week:

President Bush visited the Marines at Camp Lejeune last week. He also visited the Coast Guard. The week before, he visited the Army; before that, the Navy. The speeches were pretty much the same: Saddam's finished, victory is assured, hurrah for our courageous troops. Cheerleading is a plausible presidential function, I suppose, but an odd thing has happened to Bush as the war has progressed. He has not grown in stature or gravitas, as wartime leaders usually do; he may have diminished. He seems imprisoned in a bleak, hortatory rhetoric of simple sentences and simpler ideas. Freedom good. Tyranny bad. We Tarzan, world Jane.

An Iraqi man provided critical information that allowed US Special Forces to rescue Pfc. Jessica Lynch. What an inspirational story.

More good news: I just opened an acceptance letter from Yale's Public Health program. Now I have to make a decision!

Here are some spectacular photos from the "Two Micron All Sky Survey" (2MASS) led by the University of Massachusetts Amherst.

I spent a lot of last weekend volunteering in the ER. It was quite a powerful experience.

Saturday had my first straight-out-of-a-movie incident. A car pulled up to the ER ambulance bay at high speed, honking repeatedly, and screeched to a halt. "Somebody help!" the driver shouted. "My friend has been shot!" Several firefighters and I transfered the victim to a gurney and pulled him into the ER. He was in the operating room soon thereafter, but I heard that he didn't make it through surgery. Several times that night, I ran (literally) to the blood bank unit of the hospital to get blood for incoming trauma patients. On Saturday I also saw my first patient with eye trauma. Ugh. I can handle a lot of disgusting scenes, but I don't think I'm meant to be an opthomologist.

Sunday was even more intense. Another shooting victim was brought, and the paramedics were performing CPR when the ambulance arrived. The patient died in the ER trauma room, just a few minutes after he arrived. Apparently one of the bullets had nicked his heart, and there was very little that the trauma team could do.

Despite the pain and suffering inherent in the emergency room, I almost always leave in a good mood. Or maybe an optimistic mood. I have two reasons for this. First, I am continually impressed by the dedication and emotional stamina of the ER staff. More importantly, I think I could work in that environment. The controlled chaos of the ER is a spectacular sight. I've never seen a dozen people work so effectively side-by-side in such a stressful environment.

I just got a call from Johns Hopkins -- they accepted me into their Masters degree program in Health Policy! Yay!

Soooo much to write about!

First, the ER. My shift last Sunday was really exciting! And educational! We had an unusually busy Sunday night, including several stabbings. I participated in my first trauma cases -- helping unload patients from ambulances, setting up and placing the oxygen masks on patients, and calling the CT department to prepare them for patients. I also saw a doctor repair a large laceration on a patient's arm by using a medical staple gun. Cool stuff.

Newsweek's cover article this week is an excellent summary of why I am so disgusted with our President:

• "In fact, while the United States has the backing of a dozen or so governments, it has the support of a majority of the people in only one country in the world, Israel. If that is not isolation, then the word has no meaning."
  
• "The crucial measure of military might in the early 20th century was naval power, and Britain ruled the waves with a fleet as large as the next two navies put together. By contrast, the United States will spend as much next year on defense as the rest of the world put together (yes, all 191 countries)."
  
• "The administration claims that many countries support the United States but do so quietly. That signals an even deeper problem. Countries are furtive in their support for the administration not because they fear Saddam Hussein but because they fear their own people. To support America today in much of the world is politically dangerous. Over the past year the United States became a campaign issue in elections in Germany, South Korea and Pakistan. Being anti-American was a vote-getter in all three places."
  
• "President Bush’s favorite verb is “expect.” He announces peremptorily that he “expects” the Palestinians to dump Yasir Arafat, “expects” countries to be with him or against him, “expects” Turkey to cooperate. It is all part of the administration’s basic approach toward foreign policy, which is best described by the phrase used for its war plan—”shock and awe.” The notion is that the United States needs to intimidate countries with its power and assertiveness, always threatening, always denouncing, never showing weakness. Donald Rumsfeld often quotes a line from Al Capone: “You will get more with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.”
  But should the guiding philosophy of the world’s leading democracy really be the tough talk of a Chicago mobster? In terms of effectiveness, this strategy has been a disaster. It has alienated friends and delighted enemies. Having traveled around the world and met with senior government officials in dozens of countries over the past year, I can report that with the exception of Britain and Israel, every country the administration has dealt with feels humiliated by it."
  

And now for the ridiculous link of the week: www.cool-2b-real.com. As described by Business 2.0, it is "a site designed to 'steer' young girls away from vegetarianism. Featuring enlightening articles and insightful quizzes ("What type of beef do you most like to eat with your friends?"), the tweener-empowerment site also has recipes for snacks like Easy Beef Chili, Nacho Beef Dip, and Beef on Bamboo." Finally, a website with fewer hits than mine.

It has been a tough week -- lots of depressing stuff going on around here. I have a friend visiting from Seattle this weekend, though, and that ought to be a nice break.

I started a new book yesterday -- Graham Greene's "The Human Factor." It's a spy novel.

I wish I had kept more pictures during my junior and senior years at Stanford. I kept photos albums during freshman and sophomore year, but I only have scattered photos from the last two years. Admittedly, I was so busy during those two years that I'm not surprised I didn't take more pictures. Senior year was my best year at Stanford, and yet I have so few pictures of it!

Good things can happen -- Elizabeth Smart was found alive today in a suburb of Salt Lake City.

There's nothing quite like a vacation to Hawaii to make you want to quit your job.

Two Republican lawmakers spearheaded an effort to change the name of "french fries" and "french toast" on cafeteria in House office building to protest France's position on Iraq.

I can't find an online article about it yet, but CNN's "American Morning with Paula Zahn" just had a segment about two identical twin sisters who were adopted by different families, raised without knowledge of the other twin, and, now college students, were finally introduced to each other last week after hearing stories from friends-of-friends about the other twin's similarities.

Thursday, March 6th. 4:49am. I have an hour and a half until I have to catch my train to the airport. Haven't slept yet. Do I go to bed, and catch the later (6:53am) train?

Sooooooo tempting.

(pause)

Nope. Who am I kidding? There is no way I would wake up in time. I can sleep on the plane. I think it's 5 hours to Honolulu...that ought to be enough.

A leaked NSA memo indicates that the US government plans to bug phones and emails of key Security Council members in order to learn their plans for the upcoming Iraq resolution. Whoops!

Apparently there is a "bad bunch of speed" for sale on the streets of San Francisco, or at least that's what the police said at the ER last night. We had at least six patients brought in last night, all very much high on amphetamines. It was quite a sight. Despite the fact that they were in restraints and weren't moving much, most of them had heart rates of 140-160 beats per minute for 2-3 hours. To put that in perspective, that is the same rate I aim for during hard running workouts.

"Accused of irrelevance and deeply divided over Iraq, the United Nations has never mattered more."

Venezuela is losing time, two and a half minutes per day.

"Every time oil spiked in the last 30 years, recession came. Why should this time be different?" CNN and Money Magazine write about impending doom:

"The link between energy costs and the economy are direct. When prices go up, businesses and consumers put more of their money into keeping the lights on and keeping their gas tank filled. That leaves them with less to spend, stifling growth. Most economists think that the economy will be able to stave off recession, but they view the recent jump in crude costs with alarm."

Thank goodness for Enya. Some days, it is the perfect thing for me.

I think I found a road bike. For those of you who don't know, I've been tackling the idea of buying a road bike for a triathlon in May. I don't want anything fancy -- I have no experience with road bikes whatsoever -- but I would really like to get started with road biking and feel this is my chance to do so. I found a discounted road bike (it's a model from two years ago) and the vendor is covering the sales tax. Now I just have to decide if I'm ready to make the commitment to the triathlon.


I had my second volunteer shift in the ER at SF General Hospital last Sunday night. I'm loving it so far, although the thrill may wear off when my body starts to reject the 11pm-5am schedule. Last week's Sunday shift was pretty slow, so I might try a shift on Friday night this week. I expect it to be pretty crazy! SFGH is the only Level 1 Trauma Center in Northern California, and the Emergency Department itself sees over 65,000 patients a year. Yes, I took that last line from the San Francisco General Hospital Foundation website.


Next item: what's wrong here? My friend pointed me to an amusing (and slightly scary) article this week. To quote Newsday:

"There was only one problem with President George W. Bush's claim Thursday that the nation's top economists forecast substantial economic growth if Congress passed the president's tax cut: The forecast with that conclusion doesn't exist. Bush and White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer went out of their way Thursday to cite a new survey by "Blue-Chip economists" that the economy would grow 3.3 percent this year if the president's tax cut proposal becomes law.

That was news to the editor who assembles the economic forecast. "I don't know what he was citing," said Randell E. Moore, editor of the monthly Blue Chip Economic Forecast, a newsletter that surveys 53 of the nation's top economists each month. "I was a little upset," said Moore, who said he complained to the White House. "It sounded like the Blue Chip Economic Forecast had endorsed the president's plan. That's simply not the case."

Oops!

On February 26th, every Senate office will receive a call every minute from a constituent, as they receive a simultaneous flood of faxes and e-mail. Hundreds of thousands of people from across the country will send the collective message: Don't Attack Iraq. Every Senate switchboard will be lit up throughout the day with our message -- a powerful reminder of the breadth and depth of opposition to a war in Iraq. And on that day, "antiwar rooms" in Washington, D.C., and Los Angeles will highlight the day's progress for the national media, while local media can visit the "antiwar room" online to monitor this constituent march throughout the day.

I'm calling at 2:37PM Eastern Time.

Two things to think about:

1. President Bush's plan for war with Iraq versus the military generals:

"Marine Gen. Anthony Zinni, long before he became the commander in chief of U.S. Central, put in two tours as a company commander in Vietnam. He saw action in the Gulf War and Somalia, and has won the Defense Superior Service Medal with two Oak Leaf Clusters, the Bronze Star and the Purple Heart. On the record, referring to colleagues -- including Brent Scowcroft and Norman Schwarzkopf -- who had urged caution regarding war, Zinni said, '"All the generals see this the same way, and all those that never fired a shot in anger are really hell-bent to go to war.' To Zinni, in the combustible region -- far ahead of Iraq -- "the Middle East peace process, in my mind, has to be a higher priority. ... Winning the war on terrorism has to be a higher priority." Zinni asked, "What are we doing to support and encourage change in Iran?" He sees the United States relying upon a tactical response to terrorism. "We are treating the symptoms. ... You go after the terrorists with your military, your law enforcement agencies, (use) your financial institutions to cut off their resources." Instead, we must ask: "Why are young people flocking to these extremist causes? ... Could disenfranchisement or oppression be what drives them?"

2. President Bush's economic plan versus hundreds of economists:

CNN article: "Bush highlighted a new private-sector "blue chip" economic forecast projecting that the economy would grow in the fourth quarter of this year by 3.3 percent compared to the same period last year. Bush emphasized a portion of the report suggesting that such a level of growth depended on swift passage of his proposed tax cuts. By contrast, more than 400 economists, including 10 Nobel laureates, said last week that Bush's tax plan wouldn't help the ailing economy immediately. Instead, they predicted that it would create deeper deficits that could drive up long-term interests rates and jeopardize the economy down the road."

EPI: "The Economic Policy Institute on February 10 released a statement endorsed by 10 Nobel Prize winning and 450 other economists from around the United States criticizing President Bush's tax proposals as being fiscally irresponsible and "misdirected." The statement, revealed at a press conference hosted by the EPI and held at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C., was unveiled by three of the Nobel economists who oppose the Bush proposals: Joseph Stiglitz, Franco Modigliani, and Lawrence Klein. The unusually broad consensus, particularly among the Nobel Laureates, represents a grim picture of the Bush proposals because this is the first time in recent history that a signed statement has been issued by such a large group of noted economists, according to Lawrence Mishel, EPI President. A copy of the statement, along with the names of all signatories, will appear as a full-page add in the February 11, 2003, New York Times." "The top 226,000 tax filers will receive as much as 120 million filers at the bottom of the tax bracket," says Nobel Prize winning economist Joseph Stiglitz of Columbia University. "Fifty percent of tax filers will receive $100 or less, while a few at the top will receive enormous benefits."

I don't remember very much of yesterday. I had brunch with my friends, took a nap, had lunch with my roommates and a friend at our house, took another nap, and then pretty much wasted time for the rest of the day. It was great.

6:56am. Just got back from SFGH and my first shift in the ER. What a great time! I'm a little delirious, but I can say for sure that I had a great time. Soooooo much better than my volunteer experience at Stanford Hospital. The nursing staff is very friendly, and they answered all of the questions I had. I even stayed longer than necessary (my shift ended at 4am but I put in a couple more hours) and received a lot of praise for it.

Anyway, off to bed. I'm getting up in a few hours to have brunch. I suspect tomorrow will be an odd day with many, many naps. Happy President's Day!

I wonder if I'll ever get into medical school.

Part of me thinks, "Of course you will!" My friends, parents, teachers, and coworkers have all told me that I will get in. All my friends who were premed with me at Stanford have been accepted to med school, so statistically speaking I will probably get in at some point, too.

Probably.

Part of me -- most of me, at times -- thinks that I've missed my chance.

My GPA will be hard to repair. Yes, it's possible, but I don't know if I can afford to take more time (or spend more $1000s) on science classes that will make minimal changes to my GPA. My GRE and MCAT scores show that I have the capacity to think, but it seems like the schools don't care. Getting into an MPH program would be great -- but I certainly can't expect to get in since I've been rejected from at least 30 med schools in the last 24 months. And if I don't get into an MPH program, I really have no idea what I will do. Probably sit down and really figure out some big career plans. But I wouldn't even know where to begin.

Do I really want to become one of those "finally-gets-into-med-school-at-age-32" people? I don't think so. If that's the only option I have left, then I don't really know what I want. Am I so obsessed with being a physician that I would ignore other career paths? No. But do most of those career paths require graduate school or an undergraduate-only recruiting program? Most likely.

To the audience out there in cyberspace: sorry about the whining. I'm just a little terrified of the future.

On an unrelated note, I'm going to spend most of tomorrow night (11pm until at least 4am...proably more like 6am) volunteering in the Emergency Room at San Francisco General Hospital. It's yet another attempt to distract myself from medical school thoughts.

Hmmmmm. Can't think, it's late. Just past 3am. I'm still so frustrated that I'll probably spend hours awake in bed, but I suppose I have to try. I'll probably be back here tomorrow night with some profound thoughts after my ER shift.

Today is turning around. It started as a stressful day, but it's slowly getting better.

I found a friend who will use the extra Cirque du Soleil ticket. A weekly study at Stanford hospital in which I participate was cancelled, so I will have a little extra time to drive up to San Francisco for the Toad the Wet Sprocket concert.

I did a lot of driving last night. It was good for my psyche. My roommate's car was towed from his fiance's apartment complex, so around 10:30pm I drove him down to the towing company and waited for him to get his car back. After that, I drove up to Stanford and did a 2 hour workout. I have been striving to get back in shape, and the workout habit is starting to stick. I'm also 75% sure that I am going to do a triathlon through Team in Training. Raising $2800 seems like a pretty big challenge, but several people I know who have participated in TNT say it's not as hard as you would think.

I had a moment of pause last night when I was driving home from my workout. I drove past Junipero -- my freshman dorm at Stanford -- and paused for a moment in the parking lot to visually scan the building and find the window that was mine during freshman year. I parked. And thought. Coincidentally, matchbox twenty's "Unwell" was on the radio at the moment. It seemed appropriate:

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Hmmmmm. Here's this week's Moment of Stupidity:

Talk with friends for the 1000th time about going to Cirque du Soleil. Decide to take action and organize a group to go. Ask lots of friends if they can go. Have difficulting finding a day when everyone can go. Finally, this morning, we find a night that everyone can go - tomorrow night. I buy the tickets. Two hours pass. A friend emails me and reminds me that we're going to a concert on that night.

Whoops.

Ugh. What a crazy day! I prepared three MPH applications for mailing, and I was -- get this -- hypnotized for a documentary by the BBC! Very exciting.

While I'm at it, I should be a good liberal and promote my early pick for 2004 -- John Kerry.

There is no good way to introduce this animation. Have you ever wondered what a Kikkoman Soy Sauce Superhero would be like? If so, check it out. And turn on your speakers; the soundtrack is incredible.

I woke up today and took the GRE. Did pretty well. Hopefully it will help me get into a masters program in public health!

Had my second cooking class tonight. This one was on Sauces. Yummmmm.

And President Bush is currently experiencing his lowest public opinion ratings in 16 months. Yay! In an odd, yet surprigingly familiar way, Bush also declared January to be "National Sanctity of Human Life Day." Thoughts, anyone?

God Bless America. And the two DJs in Miami who called Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and convinced him they were Fidel Castro. I have an odd respect for anyone who risks their job by making prank calls to heads of state.

Let's see...what's new?

Happy New Year!

New Year's Resolutions:
1. Stop biting my fingernails (7th year in a row that this has been on the list).
2. Do a better job of staying in touch with friends.
3. Get to work earlier.
4. Continue/reinforce my *new* habit of being on time.
5. Get into grad school. (Ha! As if a resolution like this will suddenly change my luck!)
5a. Do well on the GRE.
6. Cook. A lot. Get good at it. (I signed up for a 12-class series of cooking classes yesterday!)