Late-night thoughts.

The inner self vs. the public self. Or perhaps the inner self and the public self, not necessarily at odds with one another.

Lauren says I have two very different sides -- one public, one private -- and I reply that everyone does. But I think she means that my two sides are more disparate, more contrasting, than those of most people. It's an interesting thought. I guess that raises the question of which "me" is talking here...private issues in a public forum. Hmmmm. Ideally, it would be my inner/private self. Although Ravi raises a good point: shouldn't those two be the same, at least in theory? If I'm honest with those around me and I am not conspiring to deceive them, then why should there be a difference? (No, that last sentence didn't make any sense.) Maybe I just see my public self, especially in the high school program, as being a Leadership role, whereas in private, or with friends, there's no need for that role. Then I'm just me. But when the high schoolers are around, I'm paid to be the Authority, not me. Maybe that's why. Now the question I have for myself is which side I will present to my grad school classmates. More on that later.

I reflect on the people I have met and the lessons I have learned from this experience. First, the summer college program reminded me why I loved life as a Stanford student. Keep in mind that I didn't have any classes this summer (and maybe that parallels my behavior as a student a little too closely), and the students in the dorms were high schoolers, but in all honesty I didn't spend much time with them. I spent time with the staff. They defined this summer for me, more than the MCAT (again) or getting ready for grad school or signing up for a bizillion dollars in student loans. They reminded me of what it was like to be a student -- having soooo many options in front of you that you don't know where to begin -- to facing the terrifying prospect of finding a job and moving off campus for the first time. Perhaps more important to me right now, though, is learning (or re-learning) lessons about myself from the staff members I have come to know so well in such a short time. Some are obvious and direct; I still speak too quickly for many people. Other lessons come from watching others, seeing my habits (or, in some cases, the traits I hope to acquire) reflected in them. I'm being vague, I know, but I don't really want to single out people here. I hope to tell them in person before the end of the week. Or, if not, maybe they'll know somehow that they taught me something valuable.

The ideas are fading, so that's probably it for tonight. Considering I have been studying 10 hours/day, I think I am doing pretty well. :-)