Thank goodness it is the weekend. Last week nearly killed me. This is one of the big problems with eight-week terms...I took finals three weeks ago, and now I'm already working on midterms again. Ugh.

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I've felt strangely conflicted recently. Not conflicted in a "what should I do with my life?" or "I can't stand my job" sort of way; it's something about the fact that I have two competing perspectives on my life right now.

On one hand, I've had far more stop-and-smell-the-roses moments in the last two months than I ever expected to have during graduate school, and certainly more than I had during my last two years at Stanford. I'm also engaged in my academic development to a degree that I only occasionally reached while at Stanford. I feel thankful for many things, and I feel like I'm doing alright in general. I'm keeping up with my work, getting in shape, and not stressing over insignificant things. Anyone who knows me well can recognize the importance of #3.

At times, though, I wonder if I'm confusing stability with complacency. Or something like that. Sometimes I yearn for the thrilling feeling that I was really, really living. What defined those moments? Emotions, both good and bad. Relationships, in their joy and heartache. Coming back to Toyon after a long day of class and eating with all of your friends. Going fountain hopping. Being able to live in the moment and, for more than a moment, let the burden of the future slip from your mind.

Was Stanford really that ideal? Good question. Yes, in many ways it was. But maybe I just associate Stanford with freedom from burdens because, in many ways, that's what I did during my last two years there. Or, perhaps more accurately, I traded burdens, academic for extracurricular. And maybe therefore my Stanford experience has the feeling of freedom.

But who am I kidding? Freedom?!? The thought makes me laugh. Even if I really think hard about junior and senior years, I can't recall all of the activities I did. It seemed like I had a half dozen meetings a day for a half dozen different groups, plus dorm responsibilities. Oh, yes, and my coursework. So much for sleeping. So perhaps freedom isn't the right word, and maybe that's not why I'm yearning for parts of Stanford.

The community, perhaps? Do I just miss having people around? All the time? Yes, that's part of it. I know it's one reason why I loved Toyon so much...I think that living with 200 people was some sort of social opiate for me. I loved it, and it was one of the most difficult things about leaving college. But I only lived with 5 people in the years after school, and I adjusted to that eventually. So now that I only have one roommate, is that the issue? Or maybe it's just the fact that I don't have that many good friends around here yet. When I was living with the 4 other guys, I still had tons of friends around the Stanford area. So, yes, I think I need to build some stronger friendships here. I don't think I need to go out and meet new people per se; I've met plenty of people through JHSPH, but we're not that close yet. Time will tell.

Or maybe it's the fact that I don't have anyone to care about right now. But I haven't had a serious relationship in nearly a year and a half, so I don't know why that would be troubling me all of the sudden. Maybe it's because I'm back in school, and was in a relationship the last time I was in school? That's not an especially strong claim. Maybe it's the fact that although I am thriving in this academic program, it's still just exactly that -- academics. And no matter how hard I work, there will still always be more to learn. No, that's a stupid argument. So I guess I'm not sure why these things trouble me.

But at least now I can smell the roses.