The Lights Come On

Somehow, in the last 24 hours, anatomy has started making a lot of sense to me. I don't know what happened, and I'm not sure if it will last, but for now I have the first hint of academic confidence since the start of med school. And I like it.

And tomorrow is Friday. Hooray. (The fact that I plan to study nearly the entire day doesn't make a dent in my excitment.)

And Saturday is our Halloween party. Super hooray.

Mood: optimistic
Song: Live, "The Beauty of Gray" and REM, "Man on the Moon"

Studying as default?

I've noticed recently that studying is now my default behavior. Unless I have something else to do -- eating, sleeping, going to lecuture, etc. -- I will virtually always be studying. And somehow it seems normal. In the past, I had a difficult time imagining how medical students could really study so much...didn't it get old? Didn't they want to do anything else? Didn't they lose their minds?

As I've learned, the answer is "yes." But that doesn't mean I won't keep going. When virtually everyone you see is studying most fo the time, it somehow becomes a normal baseline activity. If someone asks what I'm doing this weekend, I will probably say, "Not much." If it's a med student who asks, they'll assume that means I'm studying all weekend. If someone else asks, they'll just think that I'm not very active.

As a side benefit, I seem to be able to repress most of my emotional issues when I'm studying. It doesn't do anything to resolve them, but at least I can ignore them for a while. Amen.

Back to anatomy. Only another few billion names to learn.

Mood: Calm
Song: Evanescence, "Listen to the Rain" and Garbage, "Only Happy When It Rains"

End of the week

It's late and I should go to bed, but I have an odd feeling in my mind that I can't describe. I feel great for the most part, but I've been feeling strangely conflicted about my emotions recently.

• For example, I had a pretty hectic week and I'm happy it's Friday...but I've said that nearly every week since starting med school.
  
• I'm building some great friendships here at Case, but it seems strange to say that since I've only been in school for 60 days. Yet there are a few people here who I know far better than some of the people I interacted with in DC for an entire year.
  
• I studied for nearly 12 hours today. I feel like I made a lot of progress. And yet I still can't help but think that I'm still re-discovering how to study...often I get done studying and I can't remember a single thing I've learned.
  
• We started anatomy this week...had dissection labs on Monday and Thursday. Did I pass out or get nauseus? No. Am I comfortable with the idea of cutting through the tissue of a donated body? Not entirely. And did I want to know what it smelled like when you're making cuts with bone saw? Not at all.
  
• I saw the Navy recruiter at a residency fair today on campus. I still need to sit down look through all the program material. I'm still months away from making a decision....right now I think I'm in denial/avoidance mode. I like so many parts of the program, but there are so many unknowns. What if I want to enter a really competitive residency that would be impossible to get in the military? What if this decision ruins my ability to pursue a career in academic medicine? What if I meet someone in medical school who is perfect for me...except that she doens't want to deal with my mandatory years of service after med school? I could go on and on. I've been thinking about these issues for two or three years now, yet I keep coming back to this program. At least I have a few months to think about it before the deadlines start getting close.
  

As usual, I'm sure sleep will help. Tomorrow is another day of studying.

Mood: Jumbled. Relieved? Anxious? Lonely?
Song: Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours"

A little more intensity, please?

School is starting to become my life. We started anatomy on Monday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. It's an amazing educational opportunity, but that doesn't mean I'm sure what my emtional reactions are. Free time is becoming quite rare, and by Monday evening I was already hoping for Friday.

I have tons to talk about -- the dissection, my still-in-progress Navy decision, the identify crisis/transformation that med school triggers, etc. For now, though, it will have to wait. Sleep is the top priority now.

Going to the Jason Mraz concert tomorrow. Ought to be a good time.

Mood: tired but adapting
Song: Michael Nyman, "The Piano"

Another left-wing conspiracy?

Bill Kristol has an interesting article in the October 24th edition of the Weekly Standard:

THE MOST EFFECTIVE CONSERVATIVE LEGISLATOR of--oh--the last century or so, Congressman Tom DeLay, was indicted last month for allegedly violating Texas campaign finance laws, and has vacated his position as House majority leader. The Senate majority leader, Bill Frist, is under investigation by the Justice Department and the Securities and Exchange Commission for his sale of stock in the medical company his family started.

White House deputy chief of staff Karl Rove and vice presidential chief of staff Scooter Libby have been under investigation by a special federal prosecutor, Patrick Fitzgerald, for more than two years. When appointed in 2003 by the Bush Justice Department, Fitzgerald's mandate was to find out if the leaking to reporters of the identity of a CIA employee, Valerie Plame, was a violation of a 1982 statute known as the Philip Agee law, and if so, who violated it. It now seems clear that Rove and Libby are the main targets of the prosecutor, and that both are in imminent danger of indictment.

What do these four men have in common, other than their status as prosecutorial targets? Since 2001, they have been among the most prominent promoters of the conservative agenda of the Bush administration.

I don't expect Kristol to actually blame these people for their current situations, but his approach certainly did surprise me. Why are these four people under investigation? If you ask him, it's because the left wing has decided to pursue a strategy of criminalization to defeat conservatives. What Kristol leaves out is that fact that it's only because the left wing is so organized and holds so many powerful positions in Washington that this strategy is possible.

Why are conservative Republicans, who control the executive and legislative branches of government for the first time in living memory, so vulnerable to the phenomenon of criminalization? Is it simple payback for the impeachment of Bill Clinton? Or is it a reflection of some deep malady at the heart of American politics? If criminalization is seen to loom ahead for every conservative who begins successfully to act out his or her beliefs in government or politics, is the project of conservative reform sustainable?

We don't pretend to have all the answers, or a solid answer even to one of these questions. But it's a reasonable bet that the fall of 2005 will be remembered as a time when it became clear that a comprehensive strategy of criminalization had been implemented to inflict defeat on conservatives who seek to govern as conservatives. And it is clear that thinking through a response to this challenge is a task conservatives can no longer postpone.

Pardon me while I laugh.

Much Better

After a six-hour nap this afternoon and a two-hour high intensity jujitsu workout tonight, I'm feeling like an entirely new person compared to this morning. Now I'll head to bed and get nearly 8 hours of sleep. Life is good.

Mood: Peaceful
Song: Moby, "Hymn" and "First Cool Hive"

Recovery

I passed the exam. Woohoo. Now I'm feeling the effects of my marathon study session last weekend and the re-emergence of my coffee habit. After an hour of lecture this morning, I realized that I was having a tough time doing much of anything. And while I didn't feel specifically tired, I felt empty. Every internal alarm kept telling me that I needed to sleep, and soon. So I came home and in a few minutes I'll take a nap...for 4-6 hours.

The last few days have been really odd. I haven't been myself. I've been making rush decisions without thinking them through, I've been having a tough time paying attention to even the most basic conversations, and I've been talking a lot more (babbling, really) than I usually do. It's as if I've been walking around in a semi-drunken state since the middle of last week. Plus I'm feeling emotionally unsettled but I'm not really sure why. All in all, I need to recover from the last five or six days. That's my self-prescription for today...sleep, food, cleaning, laundry, and more sleep. Tomorrow I hope to be my usual self again.

Mood: fuzzy
Song: Coldplay, "Fix You"

Must...Keep...Studying

32 hours of studying in the last 3 days, and I still don't feel like I have covered all the material for the exam tomorrow. Who ever thought that molecular biology, genetics, and human development could be so...complicated??? (Don't answer that.)

On an unrelated note, I saw pictures today of an ex-girlfriend's recent wedding. Talk about a shock to the system. Fortunately, studying for this exam has pummeled my mind into a state of emotional numbness so I don't really have to think about it. But....wow. Congratulations, MG.

One more hour, then I sleep. Tomorrow will be a busy day.

Mood: Don't really have one right now.
Song: Ottmar Liebert, "Spanish Steps (Rome in May)" and Coldplay, "Talk"

Watching the crowd

Quick note -- there's this guy at Starbucks today who I've seen around the Coventry area a few times. As usual, he is sitting with a drink, staring at a wall, and not saying anything. For hours. We're talking zero movement. He's not sleeping, either, unless he can sleep with his eyes open. Suddenly, an attractive woman approaches (who he apparently knows?) and the frozen mime act suddenly evaporates. He greets her, tries to engage her in conversation, and she replies a little bit. He says he's been working on a practice test of some sort, at which I silently laugh. He hasn't moved in two hours!

As soon as she sits down and their short conversation ends, he picks up a set of papers (the practice test?) and begins to look over them. After a minute or two, though, he puts down the papers (too much work?) and resumes the previous frozen position. We're back to square one.

Update: After another 40-45 minutes, he stands up, walks around the store for a minute, and sits back down. Picks up a newspaper, reads for about 30 seconds, and puts the paper down. Goes back to looking at the wall.

Now I feel a lot better about my level of productivity today. :-)

Mood: In the zone. Studying all day and somehow feeling okay about that.
Songs: Blink 182, "Some Girls Try Too Hard" and Uncle Kracker, "In A Little While"

TGIF...sort of

It's finally Friday...and I'm studying all night. We have a big exam (molecular biology, genetics, and development) on Monday morning, so this entire weekend will be dedicated to that cause. It has been an incredibly long time since I've studied on a Friday night (4 years? 5 years?), but it was an easy decision to make since (a) all my friends are doing the same thing, and (b) fear is a very strong motivator.

I talked with the Navy recruiter on Wednesday. It was a productive conversation, and I discovered that I don't have to finish the application until early next year, so I feel a lot better now that I don't have to panic and rush to finish the application. I still have a lot of issues to figure out in that regard, but fortunately I can wait until next week to think about them.

We formed our groups for Anatomy today. I think we'll "receive" (?) our cadavers next week...ought to be a pretty amazing/stunning/uncomfortable experience.

For the first time in recent memory, life is starting to get complicated again. The time requirements of school continue to grow and grow, and I'm starting to look ahead to extracurricular plans (AMSA, most likely in their policy group) and my HPSP/Navy decision. And that's just the start of it...

Back to the books.

Mood: Cautious, a little anxious, a little optimistic. Trying to focus.
Song: Gypsy Kings, "Galaxia" and Ozzy, "I Just Want You"

All I wanted...

...was to sleep. For nearly every waking moment today, I just wanted to stop listening/studying/working, curl up in a ball, and fall asleep on the floor. That's it. And, of course, now that I'm home and relaxed and trying to go to sleep, a million thoughts flood my head and sleep evades me...

Mood: Really, really confused
Song: Evanescence, "Anywhere"

The "To Do" List Keeps Growing...

Med school life is starting to get pretty busy. A month ago, I only had to handle 5 hours of lecture and an occasional meeting or review session. Now, though, it seems like each day is filled from morning to night with seemingly essential activities.

Today I had my first RAMP rotation (adolescent pediatrics @ Univ. Hospitals). It was a good educational experience. I'm still getting used to the idea of wearing a white coat...and having patients believe that I'm actually qualified to wear it. I had a good time in the clinic today, but I get the feeling that pediatrics might not be the best match to my interests. (I like kids, but I don't know if I want to spend my career doing well-child exams and ordering vaccinations.) Joking aside, the pediatricians I worked with today were exceptionally talented and I was thankful that they were so helpful/encouraging/supportive/instructive.

I'm not really looking forward to this week...it bodes of late nights, early mornings, endless reading, and more coffee. (sigh) I have a ton of "errands" (i.e., any non-academic task) to do: student loan determents, getting paperwork approved by the registrar, calling the Navy people, starting the HPSP application, sleeping (is an errand?!? nevermind, forget I wrote it), and more. And that's on top of the 1293812 hours of studying I have to do in the next six days. At least my weekly jujitsu class tomorrow evening will help with the stress, although last week I screwed up my ankle during class and that didn't help. Maybe tomorrow night I'll just take it a little easier than usual...

I've found that I get nervous about most of our non-classroom activities: patient communication workshops, physical diagnosis, etc. The strange thing is that I think I do pretty well in these sessions, especially the communication workshops, yet I still get nervous about them. I think most of it has to do with the fact that we're interacting with standardized patients. And, yes, I recognize that the purpose of standardized patients is to allow us to learn skills in a controlled, low-pressure environment...yet I feel that any environment in which I'm being tested on my interaction with patients will make for an inherently stressful interaction. Or something like that. Of course, I feel good about myself and the stress goes away each week when I complete each session and recognize that interacting with patients is something I do naturally. I just seem to forget that lesson each week.

Still working on the HPSP post. I'm hoping to call the Navy recruiter tomorrow afternoon to get some information, so perhaps I'll have more to write about by tomorrow night. Talking about stress...this decision certainly provokes it, yet I keep coming back to it, time and time again.

A friend commented tonight that the process of getting to know our new classmates is both fun and frustrating. How true that is. I think we've made it through a few different phases of getting to know each other...the working-hard-to-impress stage during the first week, the see-how-we-all-react-to-stress stage, the collective anxiety or discomfort with certain shared conversations/experiences, etc. Just a week or two ago, the pervasive question during our 10-minutes break between lectures was about which of our classmates would hook up/start dating/make a scene first. By this week, though, it seems like everyone agrees that those quesions are cliche/obsolete/no longer relevant. Perhaps it's because an exam is approaching and we won't risk the distraction; I'll wait a see if the same questions resume next week after the test.

At the same time, I realize that I've only been in Cleveland for six or seven weeks. To think that I actually know anybody yet seems quite premature...yet I feel like I already know who my friends are going to be. If that sounds confusing, then I probably explained it correctly.

Bedtime.

Mood: Anxious. And sleepy.
Song: Staind, "Right Here Waiting" / Patrick Park, "Something Pretty" / Speechwriters LLC, "Annie Dan"

Three years!

Wow -- it has been three years since I started this blog! It's pretty strange for me to think about. Three years ago I was disappointed with my job, getting rejected from med schools left and right (I really should have a retrospective post about my three years of med school applications), and was generally worried about where things were heading. Several dozen applications, three states, and one master's degree later, I'm finally where I want to be. And three years from now? I think I'll be applying to residencies. (shudder) For now I'm just thankful to have made it this far. :-)

I'm working on a post about my upcoming decision on whether I should apply for the Armed Forces Health Professions Scholarship Program...hopefully I'll finish that tomorrow sometime. In the meantime, I'm going to relax and enjoy my Saturday evening. Tomorrow is a big studying day.

Mood: Optimistic
Song: Queen, "Somebody to Love" and The Wallflowers, "Closer to You"