Ugh.

So bored.

Sick of no one being around. Lonely, in general. Lonely for friends or lonely for a relationship? Either, I suppose.

This whole week has been strangely detatched from reality. Spent most of my time in the apartment, didn't talk to many people, didn't do much during the days, did even less at night. I read a few books; don't really remember them much. Saw a few movies, don't remember them either.

Maybe I'm not ready to live without a roommate next year.

Or maybe I'm just sad that my friends are gone and, more recently, I feel a little bit used by a certain person. Maybe it's that I made a lot of friends this year, but not good friends. I'm friends with a lot of people, but not so friendly with any of them that I know exactly what they're up to this week, or even where they are.

Perhaps I'm just losing my mind because I don't have enough things to do. My only major project right now is my med school application, which many people know is the last thing I want to do.

I know this is a petty issue, but I feel pretty much consumed by it right now. Nowhere to go, few people to talk with, and not much to do until the end of next week.

The scary thing is that I'm getting a little bitter right now. I'm not entirely sure why. Do I spread myself too thin with my friends, so that I get to know a lot of people, but only on a superficial level? In the last two weeks, as the year was drawing to a close, a lot of people I know came up to me and said I was a nice guy. Sometimes they went so far as to making it jokingly accusational: "Why are you such a nice guy?" Another person told me a story about how they needed something during a party, and one of the people they were talking to made a joking comment that they should ask me to go get it since I probably would. People in the past have said I'm too cooperative or too accomodating and that I need to think more about myself. It's situations like these that make me stop and consider those comments seriously.

And now I want to call the person who turned me down earlier today and really tell her how I feel. Not in a "please go out with me!" way, but instead in a "what the hell did you think you were doing? you are so inconsiderate. stop fucking around with my mind" sort of way. But that's not gonna get anything done, other than making me feel better for a mere 15 seconds and assuring that this person never speaks to me again. And I hate burning bridges.

So.......what to do. Movie? No, movies always include romance or a beautiful woman, neither of which is going to help me relax. Med school application? I can never focus on that at night; I just end up reading CNN.com or the NY Times or the Washington Post. Reading? Perhaps, except that I finished most of the books on my shelf, or at least those that are interesting to read. I'm not going to start reading cookbooks or textbooks.

(deep breath) Alright, self. One week to your trip for the wedding, then a week here, then a week in Oregon, then I start work. That's not much time. Try to enjoy it while you can. Tomorrow, it's back to the track, back to the gym. Time to burn off this mood, whatever it is...

Mood: Lonely
Song: Michael Kamen, theme from "Band of Brothers" and REM, "Strange Currencies"