My first email access in a week. Finally! Technology withdrawl sucks.

I've moved into my apartment (still no bed), started orientation, and am slowly figuring out how to survive in Baltimore. So far, so good.

Call me! I'm bored, and my new plan with Sprint gives me a ton of minutes. :-)

Okay, gotta go be productive...

Just got an evite to a party in Palo Alto. (sigh) And so my detatchment begins...

That was another long day. And tomorrow will make it four in a row.

It's odd to be home for a day, after being gone for so long, and then to leave again twenty four hours later.

I haven't even had time to recognize that I'm done with the summer college program, let alone the fact that I moved out of the Bay Area. Once again, life has been put on hold until I settle into my apartment in Baltimore...and then there still will not be time to deal with these issues.

Okay, okay, I'm too tired to express anything interesting. To bed for 4 hours.

Well, that was an interesting six years in the Bay Area.

Back in Portland now. Numbers for the drive:
Hours: 10
Miles:667
Stops: 2
Maximum speed I reached when I believed I was only going 80: 97
Reasons why that speed was not dangerous at that time: 3 lanes, no traffic, long downhill stretch.
Subway sandwiches: 2
Caffeineated beverages: 4
Calls from friends: 3
Incidents when a state trooper pulled up behind me but it took me a while to move out of the way because I had so much stuff in the car that I couldn't see out the back: 1
Days since I got a full night's rest: 8

I wish I'd had a recorder in the car last night. So many thoughts to reflect on when there's nothing else to think about except the lack of good radio stations and the semis I kept passing on my right.

I changed my keychain yesterday. Removed the remaining Stanford keys, my Eating Clubs keycard thingie (why did I still have that on there? I have been out of Toyon for two years.), key to the volunteer office @ Stanford hospital, and other random Stanford keys whose use I've forgotten. I definitely have at least $50, probably more like $100, in key deposits at Stanford that I never redeemed. Oh well. Now I'm debating whether to remove the "bev-key" thing...it's not like I drink much, and it doesn't really help with wine bottles at all. Maybe it's time to start a new keychain entirely.

In a way, I sort of enjoyed the fact that I was rushed to leave Stanford yesterday. It made it easier on me, not having the time to reflect on the place and what it means to me.

Now I have to empty my car -- I wish I had a digital camera so I should show you how full it is. I couldn't see out the rear window, and at least half of the passenger window was blocked. Everything is full -- the trunk, the area under the seats, the area between the back seats and the rear window. Listening to the radio was slightly annoying last night because every speaker besides the one in the driver's door was blocked, so i didn't hear much with my right ear. You wouldn't think it was that big of a deal, but it had the effect of making me feel like my right ear was blocked, sort of like when the airplane cabin is pressurized and your hearing is thrown off a little bit.

Time to unload the car.

So many thoughts racing through my head, but they're not very blog-able.... :-(

I'm done with the MCAT, but I really wish it were June again. This summer has been unbelievable. Don't get me wrong -- I'm sure grad school will be a great experience -- but I don't think it will be quite as much fun as a free summer at Stanford.

Sweet. Done with the MCAT. And if that weren't enough, I'm now packing up my life and getting ready to move...all in the same day!

I'm off to the hotel to get ready for tomorrow. See you on the other side. :-)

Sad realization of the night: I won't have enough time to see most of my local friends before I leave. :-(

Two studying days left. Then a day of rest before the exam. I can make it.

Making progress.

Topics I have covered since Sunday:
enzyme kinetics, cellular metabolism, reproduction and embryology, molecular genetics, neurochemistry, immunochemistry, electrochemistry, Gibb's Free Energy, thermodynamics, the Bohr atom, optics, gague pressure, Bernoulli's Equation, Pascal's Law, redox reactions, and carboxylic acid derivatives.

And there's more waiting for me tomorrow!

Karen says, "It would be better if the exam were just about cats." I agree.

Late-night thoughts.

The inner self vs. the public self. Or perhaps the inner self and the public self, not necessarily at odds with one another.

Lauren says I have two very different sides -- one public, one private -- and I reply that everyone does. But I think she means that my two sides are more disparate, more contrasting, than those of most people. It's an interesting thought. I guess that raises the question of which "me" is talking here...private issues in a public forum. Hmmmm. Ideally, it would be my inner/private self. Although Ravi raises a good point: shouldn't those two be the same, at least in theory? If I'm honest with those around me and I am not conspiring to deceive them, then why should there be a difference? (No, that last sentence didn't make any sense.) Maybe I just see my public self, especially in the high school program, as being a Leadership role, whereas in private, or with friends, there's no need for that role. Then I'm just me. But when the high schoolers are around, I'm paid to be the Authority, not me. Maybe that's why. Now the question I have for myself is which side I will present to my grad school classmates. More on that later.

I reflect on the people I have met and the lessons I have learned from this experience. First, the summer college program reminded me why I loved life as a Stanford student. Keep in mind that I didn't have any classes this summer (and maybe that parallels my behavior as a student a little too closely), and the students in the dorms were high schoolers, but in all honesty I didn't spend much time with them. I spent time with the staff. They defined this summer for me, more than the MCAT (again) or getting ready for grad school or signing up for a bizillion dollars in student loans. They reminded me of what it was like to be a student -- having soooo many options in front of you that you don't know where to begin -- to facing the terrifying prospect of finding a job and moving off campus for the first time. Perhaps more important to me right now, though, is learning (or re-learning) lessons about myself from the staff members I have come to know so well in such a short time. Some are obvious and direct; I still speak too quickly for many people. Other lessons come from watching others, seeing my habits (or, in some cases, the traits I hope to acquire) reflected in them. I'm being vague, I know, but I don't really want to single out people here. I hope to tell them in person before the end of the week. Or, if not, maybe they'll know somehow that they taught me something valuable.

The ideas are fading, so that's probably it for tonight. Considering I have been studying 10 hours/day, I think I am doing pretty well. :-)

For reflection, a quote originally by George Bernard Shaw (and later by Robert Kennedy):

You see things and say 'Why?'; but I dream things that never were and I say 'Why not?'

So many thoughts, so unsure what to write. I think blogging is an excellent acticivity for when you don't know who else to talk to, or when you want to post a question to the world. Since my concerns focus on two things that aren't really blog-able -- the MCAT and spending time with my friends who I'll soon be leaving -- it seems inappropriate to sit here, reflect, and write while the remaining hours pass by. If you want to talk, call me!

I think I found an apartment! Good location, good price, parking available, and the shuttle that goes to the medical campus stops at my front door.

Freedom.

Stress has trapped me for the last week. Last night, a talk with a friend set me free.

I'm almost always surprised by the emotional walls that people establish to keep others at a distance. Everyone has them, obviously, but they vary so much from person to person. Last night, my friend discussed two different models for this phenomenon: either a person has many small walls that grow in importance (and degree of difficulty to get past, so to speak), or they have one enormous, nearly impassable barrier behind which much of their true personality lies. Since I fall into the former, I always have to remind myself that others aren't as easy to get to know. Or at least you can spend a significant amount of time with them, learning their habits, phrases, and mannerisms, without truly learning about them as a real, unique, opinionated individual.

My tone sounds critical, I know, but that's not my intent. Part of me just wishes it was easier to get to know these people.

Sharing joy and excitement is only half of building trust and a friendship. Strong bonds come more from expressing vulnerability, concern, and fear; the topics we don't want to admit that we deal with. In these moments we show the values and beliefs that guide our day-to-day life, not just the "daily update" of personal news that gives you a superficial awareness of another's activities but not a sense of their character.

Someone shared a personal concern with me today. Not a trivial concern about the weather, or the dining hall food, or even the stress that we all feel as the end of the summer approaches. Instead, it was a subtle invitation to step past the next emotional wall and get to know her as a person just a little bit better. We were having an abstract conversation about serious personal issues, and she volunteered a comment that related the issue to the context of her life, her beliefs, her fears. The comment flowed with the conversation we were having, so it wasn't awkward or out of place, but it was a voluntary contribution that was by no means necessary. Yet it showed a willingness to share a little of herself.

Don't get me wrong -- I don't think we need to go out and start sharing our deepest vulnerabilities and fears with each other. And definitely these issues are time-sensitive; we couldn't share all character at one time, even if we wanted to. But sharing a little bit at the appropriate time, taking the little risk of sharing your heart and mind with those around you, that's what helps build strong relationships.

4:00am. We'll see how silly this sounds when I wake up.

Another good "loud and angry" song for this week is "So Far Away" by Staind.

I continued writing The Letter today. Almost 5 pages, 12 point single-spaced Times.

The MCAT is creeping up on me....I have to dedicate this entire weekend to studying.

My last day at work. So sad! :-( My coworkers keep stopping by and saying nice things. I just received a little photo album they made for me!