Everything You Leave Behind

Hmmmm. The emotionally difficult part of moving is starting to set in. I've been trying to get away from it for a long time, trying to fill my schedule with as many activities as possible so I don't have to think about moving. But now it's very, very close. And I have to deal with it.

I'm not really sure why this move is so difficult. (pause) I suppose that's not entirely true. I have a pretty good idea of why it's different. When I left California, I was desperate for a change of location. I love northern CA, but it was time for me to leave. Overall, it wasn't that hard. (I think?) I was in Baltimore for 10 months -- long enough to meet people in my Hopkins program, but not really long enough to feel established. I was really excited to move to DC, and Baltimore was close enough that I could go back and visit if I wanted to. I think that moving down to DC wasn't too hard emotionally. But now? Now I'm happy in DC. I feel settled, I have a nice group of friends, I enjoy(ed) my job, etc. I have no reason to leave...except for the fact that I have a great opportunity to start a completely new career. I'm wishing that I had deferred school another year, but I'm pretty sure that I would have regretted that decision once I got sick of work...probably by October or November.

Timing is everything in life, a friend wrote to me the other day. True. I've wanted to go to medical school for years and years now, so I should be excited that I finally have that opportunity. Now that I have the chance to go, however, I'm tortured by the fact that I have to leave after getting settled for the first time in two years. Realistically speaking, I feel professionally settled for the first time...ever? My job at Stanford after graduation was a good experience for me, but "rewarding" certainly isn't the first word I would associate with it. At Lewin, I felt like I was producing high-quality work, learning consistently, and establishing a solid base of professional experience. I also feel socially and emotionally settled; I'm more comfortable with my current friends in DC than with many of the people I knew at Hopkins last year. There are also people in DC who I've known just a few months -- or even less, in a few cases -- who I would get to know better if I just had more time.

I think that loneliness is the major feeling I have right now. I'm not really sure why -- I haven't left DC yet, so it seems like I shouldn't be missing people yet. But I've already said a lot of goodbyes, and many of them feel incomplete. The good news is that I checked flights from Cleveland to DC and found that they're only ~$120 or so. Not too bad for a long weekend visit.

As usual, sleep will probably help me feel better about things. Let's hope.

Mood: Lonely, anxious, frustrated. Cheerful, eh?
Song: Coldplay, "White Shadows" and "Fix You"