Home, finally. No sleep on Monday night, only about 4 hrs on Tuesday night. And now it's midnight on Wednesday night. Any suggestions on how long I will sleep in tomorrow?
I'm a little confused my the grading standards for grad school. Low-key assignments are graded with ridiculous specificity, while I received a high grade on a recent midterm that I thought was poorly written.
I got an interview with the Advisory Board Company for next Tuesday. I haven't interviewed in years, so I'm pretty nervous about it.
No academic work for four days?!? What am I going to do with all of this time?
Thursday, November 27, 2003
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Monday, November 24, 2003
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Quickly, before I pass out from exhaustion...
Tonight was a night of drunk dials. Receiving them, that is. Five in under three hours. From three of the four US time zones. New Haven, Baltimore, Chicago, San Francisco, and Palo Alto. At least they were a good break from the constant demands of my policy analysis paper... :-)
Worked most of Friday night, virtually all of Saturday, and it looks like I'll be doing the same thing tomorrow. Joy.
Okay, time to sleep.
Tonight was a night of drunk dials. Receiving them, that is. Five in under three hours. From three of the four US time zones. New Haven, Baltimore, Chicago, San Francisco, and Palo Alto. At least they were a good break from the constant demands of my policy analysis paper... :-)
Worked most of Friday night, virtually all of Saturday, and it looks like I'll be doing the same thing tomorrow. Joy.
Okay, time to sleep.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Thank goodness it is the weekend. Last week nearly killed me. This is one of the big problems with eight-week terms...I took finals three weeks ago, and now I'm already working on midterms again. Ugh.
---
I've felt strangely conflicted recently. Not conflicted in a "what should I do with my life?" or "I can't stand my job" sort of way; it's something about the fact that I have two competing perspectives on my life right now.
On one hand, I've had far more stop-and-smell-the-roses moments in the last two months than I ever expected to have during graduate school, and certainly more than I had during my last two years at Stanford. I'm also engaged in my academic development to a degree that I only occasionally reached while at Stanford. I feel thankful for many things, and I feel like I'm doing alright in general. I'm keeping up with my work, getting in shape, and not stressing over insignificant things. Anyone who knows me well can recognize the importance of #3.
At times, though, I wonder if I'm confusing stability with complacency. Or something like that. Sometimes I yearn for the thrilling feeling that I was really, really living. What defined those moments? Emotions, both good and bad. Relationships, in their joy and heartache. Coming back to Toyon after a long day of class and eating with all of your friends. Going fountain hopping. Being able to live in the moment and, for more than a moment, let the burden of the future slip from your mind.
Was Stanford really that ideal? Good question. Yes, in many ways it was. But maybe I just associate Stanford with freedom from burdens because, in many ways, that's what I did during my last two years there. Or, perhaps more accurately, I traded burdens, academic for extracurricular. And maybe therefore my Stanford experience has the feeling of freedom.
But who am I kidding? Freedom?!? The thought makes me laugh. Even if I really think hard about junior and senior years, I can't recall all of the activities I did. It seemed like I had a half dozen meetings a day for a half dozen different groups, plus dorm responsibilities. Oh, yes, and my coursework. So much for sleeping. So perhaps freedom isn't the right word, and maybe that's not why I'm yearning for parts of Stanford.
The community, perhaps? Do I just miss having people around? All the time? Yes, that's part of it. I know it's one reason why I loved Toyon so much...I think that living with 200 people was some sort of social opiate for me. I loved it, and it was one of the most difficult things about leaving college. But I only lived with 5 people in the years after school, and I adjusted to that eventually. So now that I only have one roommate, is that the issue? Or maybe it's just the fact that I don't have that many good friends around here yet. When I was living with the 4 other guys, I still had tons of friends around the Stanford area. So, yes, I think I need to build some stronger friendships here. I don't think I need to go out and meet new people per se; I've met plenty of people through JHSPH, but we're not that close yet. Time will tell.
Or maybe it's the fact that I don't have anyone to care about right now. But I haven't had a serious relationship in nearly a year and a half, so I don't know why that would be troubling me all of the sudden. Maybe it's because I'm back in school, and was in a relationship the last time I was in school? That's not an especially strong claim. Maybe it's the fact that although I am thriving in this academic program, it's still just exactly that -- academics. And no matter how hard I work, there will still always be more to learn. No, that's a stupid argument. So I guess I'm not sure why these things trouble me.
But at least now I can smell the roses.
---
I've felt strangely conflicted recently. Not conflicted in a "what should I do with my life?" or "I can't stand my job" sort of way; it's something about the fact that I have two competing perspectives on my life right now.
On one hand, I've had far more stop-and-smell-the-roses moments in the last two months than I ever expected to have during graduate school, and certainly more than I had during my last two years at Stanford. I'm also engaged in my academic development to a degree that I only occasionally reached while at Stanford. I feel thankful for many things, and I feel like I'm doing alright in general. I'm keeping up with my work, getting in shape, and not stressing over insignificant things. Anyone who knows me well can recognize the importance of #3.
At times, though, I wonder if I'm confusing stability with complacency. Or something like that. Sometimes I yearn for the thrilling feeling that I was really, really living. What defined those moments? Emotions, both good and bad. Relationships, in their joy and heartache. Coming back to Toyon after a long day of class and eating with all of your friends. Going fountain hopping. Being able to live in the moment and, for more than a moment, let the burden of the future slip from your mind.
Was Stanford really that ideal? Good question. Yes, in many ways it was. But maybe I just associate Stanford with freedom from burdens because, in many ways, that's what I did during my last two years there. Or, perhaps more accurately, I traded burdens, academic for extracurricular. And maybe therefore my Stanford experience has the feeling of freedom.
But who am I kidding? Freedom?!? The thought makes me laugh. Even if I really think hard about junior and senior years, I can't recall all of the activities I did. It seemed like I had a half dozen meetings a day for a half dozen different groups, plus dorm responsibilities. Oh, yes, and my coursework. So much for sleeping. So perhaps freedom isn't the right word, and maybe that's not why I'm yearning for parts of Stanford.
The community, perhaps? Do I just miss having people around? All the time? Yes, that's part of it. I know it's one reason why I loved Toyon so much...I think that living with 200 people was some sort of social opiate for me. I loved it, and it was one of the most difficult things about leaving college. But I only lived with 5 people in the years after school, and I adjusted to that eventually. So now that I only have one roommate, is that the issue? Or maybe it's just the fact that I don't have that many good friends around here yet. When I was living with the 4 other guys, I still had tons of friends around the Stanford area. So, yes, I think I need to build some stronger friendships here. I don't think I need to go out and meet new people per se; I've met plenty of people through JHSPH, but we're not that close yet. Time will tell.
Or maybe it's the fact that I don't have anyone to care about right now. But I haven't had a serious relationship in nearly a year and a half, so I don't know why that would be troubling me all of the sudden. Maybe it's because I'm back in school, and was in a relationship the last time I was in school? That's not an especially strong claim. Maybe it's the fact that although I am thriving in this academic program, it's still just exactly that -- academics. And no matter how hard I work, there will still always be more to learn. No, that's a stupid argument. So I guess I'm not sure why these things trouble me.
But at least now I can smell the roses.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Back into the grad student routine -- hundreds of pages to read, several papers to write, and not enough time for either. That, and I have no social life.
---
Last weekend, I went out to dinner with my roommate and a friend of his. I'll call her Emily to protect her true identity. Anyway, "Emily" had been on a date a few days prior. When she and date returned to his apartment after dinner, apparently he put on some music by Sting. Emily didn't realize until after she left the apartment that her date may have put Sting on intentionally. Emily's internal debate at the time, and what became our debate during dinner, was whether Sting was a deal closer. Please, don't laugh. Anyway, that started us on a discussion of what music/songs could really be called "deal closers." Any thoughts?
---
Last weekend, I went out to dinner with my roommate and a friend of his. I'll call her Emily to protect her true identity. Anyway, "Emily" had been on a date a few days prior. When she and date returned to his apartment after dinner, apparently he put on some music by Sting. Emily didn't realize until after she left the apartment that her date may have put Sting on intentionally. Emily's internal debate at the time, and what became our debate during dinner, was whether Sting was a deal closer. Please, don't laugh. Anyway, that started us on a discussion of what music/songs could really be called "deal closers." Any thoughts?
Friday, November 07, 2003
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Today was a difficult day. Didn't feel very well, had to reschedule an interview (for a month!), still sensing the social effects of last weekend's party. I'm not so thrilled with it. I'm going through pretty significant mood shifts, from enegized and carefree to nervous, introverted, and unsettled.
Hopkins doesn't give out pluses or minuses on its grades. So I missed the "A" cutoff for two classes, each by less than a percent, and so now I have two Bs. Dammit. One more grade left to receive for 1st term...a potential saving grace. It's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out, but I had stellar grades on my midterms so I felt like I should have had better grades locked up.
---
It's strange that relationships often provide so little education about dating.
I went on my first date in a long time last week. She's another masters student in the public health school. The date went well -- the judges would have given me a 9 of 10 on execution, but I'm not sure what I would have received for artistic meric, or whatever the other category is called. Part of me thinks I'm out of practice -- I haven't really dated much in the last year or so....wait, make that the last five years or so....but I'm not sure that's it. There was something missing from the date, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Maybe she had fun, but she's just not interested in me, and I could sort of sense it. Or maybe I'm just not used to the first-date feeling of walking the emotional tightrope, careful not to lean too far in either direction.
Or maybe I'm just scared. It's a little odd to be dating again (not that 1 date really counts as "dating"), and it's more than a little worrisome to suddenly realize that I have to remember The Rules. Ugh. And not let it get in the way of school, which is actually going very well despite my grading complaints above. Anyway, I have this cycle in which I freak out about not being up-to-date on my dating technique, then realizing that The Rules are subjective and that I'm not chained to them, then realizing that dating shouldn't be this stressful, then realizing that I've only been on one date so far, so even if it didn't go well (which, again, I don't really know yet) it's not a big deal since I gave it a good shot. I chill out, a few hours pass, and I realize that I don't know what she thought of the date (although as time passes & she doesn't call back that gets more and more clear), so I freak out about the fact that I don't "date well." Or some paranoid anxiety like that. Cycle repeats. Sounds healthy, no? The good thing is that I've been through it before, and I know it goes away (for the most part), but right now I just have to get through it. Fun.
So I've jumped back into my exercise-until-you're-not-stressed routine. Sunday it was about 3 hours of weighlifting. Yesterday, basketball, albeit not enough. Today, rock climbing, which is good for the fear- and adrenaline-quotients, but not very good on the "run and run and run until every muscle burns so much that you don't care about silly emotional worries anymore" aspect. Maybe I just need to climb more. Or stop dating. I think I'll just climb more.
Bedtime.
Hopkins doesn't give out pluses or minuses on its grades. So I missed the "A" cutoff for two classes, each by less than a percent, and so now I have two Bs. Dammit. One more grade left to receive for 1st term...a potential saving grace. It's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out, but I had stellar grades on my midterms so I felt like I should have had better grades locked up.
---
It's strange that relationships often provide so little education about dating.
I went on my first date in a long time last week. She's another masters student in the public health school. The date went well -- the judges would have given me a 9 of 10 on execution, but I'm not sure what I would have received for artistic meric, or whatever the other category is called. Part of me thinks I'm out of practice -- I haven't really dated much in the last year or so....wait, make that the last five years or so....but I'm not sure that's it. There was something missing from the date, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Maybe she had fun, but she's just not interested in me, and I could sort of sense it. Or maybe I'm just not used to the first-date feeling of walking the emotional tightrope, careful not to lean too far in either direction.
Or maybe I'm just scared. It's a little odd to be dating again (not that 1 date really counts as "dating"), and it's more than a little worrisome to suddenly realize that I have to remember The Rules. Ugh. And not let it get in the way of school, which is actually going very well despite my grading complaints above. Anyway, I have this cycle in which I freak out about not being up-to-date on my dating technique, then realizing that The Rules are subjective and that I'm not chained to them, then realizing that dating shouldn't be this stressful, then realizing that I've only been on one date so far, so even if it didn't go well (which, again, I don't really know yet) it's not a big deal since I gave it a good shot. I chill out, a few hours pass, and I realize that I don't know what she thought of the date (although as time passes & she doesn't call back that gets more and more clear), so I freak out about the fact that I don't "date well." Or some paranoid anxiety like that. Cycle repeats. Sounds healthy, no? The good thing is that I've been through it before, and I know it goes away (for the most part), but right now I just have to get through it. Fun.
So I've jumped back into my exercise-until-you're-not-stressed routine. Sunday it was about 3 hours of weighlifting. Yesterday, basketball, albeit not enough. Today, rock climbing, which is good for the fear- and adrenaline-quotients, but not very good on the "run and run and run until every muscle burns so much that you don't care about silly emotional worries anymore" aspect. Maybe I just need to climb more. Or stop dating. I think I'll just climb more.
Bedtime.
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