I've been working most of the weekend, so I haven't had much time to blog.

However, this article is depressing. Although Bush's national numbers are down, he still leads Kerry in Red states by a 51-39 margin. What was that about Kerry being able to win the south? However, it also looks like Kerry is leading Bush in the critical middle-of-the-road states, so there is hope.

Back to work. And to contemplation. Too much mental indecision right now to write.

Current mood: Anxious.
Current song: REM, "Let Me In"

Wow. Charlize Theron is just incredibly attractive.

That's it.

Tonight was an odd night...

(a) I was reminded how much "fun" clubbing can be when you're not the alpha male. (Not that I've ever been the alpha male.) It basically turns into an exercise in watching to see which girls can convince that guy to pay attention to them. Ugh.

One of my (female) friends was missing tonight after we left the club. She wasn't in the club, wasn't outside the club. We looked for her for a few hours, and eventually found her outside her apartment. She was fine, and presumably she took a cab there, but we were all left wondering why she just disappeared. It made me reflect a lot on an issue I've been contemplating recently -- the importance of my friends and whether they realize how important they are to me.

I'm pretty sure that my closest friends realize how important they are to me. It's my recent friends (last six months?) who worry me. Or at least I don't think they know how much they matter to me.

There are times when I'm tempted to walk up to somebody and tell them how much they mean to be, but then I remember that they'll probably think I'm stalking them, and I think otherwise. But I think a lot of them don't realize how much they matter to me, and I don't know how to express it.

It's past 4am, again. Tomorrow is going to be a rough day. Time to sleep.

Current mood: Generally overwhelmed.
Current song: something quiet

What a week. A few exams, a few papers, a few big meetings, a few job applications. And only a few hours of sleep.

And this weekend I have a ton of work. No fun. I could use a break from school-related stress.

Tonight was our Winter Gala. It was a dance. Fun, different than our usual social events, but nothing special. But as a formal social event, thought, it immersed my classmates and I in a different environment than that to which we're accustomed: the girls in their dresses, the guys in their suits. And as the open dance floor, moments after the DJ starts playing music, everyone suddenly goes back to junior high or high school: the girls giggle amongst themselves in small groups, while the guys stand around, make loud obnoxious jokes, and look oddly uncomfortable.

Okay, maybe that wasn't exactly how tonight went. But there was undoubtedly a heightened...(split? contrast?)...diference between the two sexes tonight. That's not surprising. What did makes it weird was the fact that nearly everyone in the room -- or at least 80 percent of them -- were female.

Many of my friends have heard me recite the "6-to-1 female-to-male ratio" in my program. It's the truth. And, yes, it has its advantages:

• All of my classes are inherently interesting, even if I'm not paying the slightest attention to the course material.
  
• I have a readily available army of fashion and tell-me-what-my-date-really-meant consultants.
  
• And, yes, I get to feed my ego by demonstrating to women that I can actually cook pretty well. Or something like that.
  

Etc., etc. But there are parts of this situation that can actually make life kind of difficult, and they seemed especially apparent tonight. There were a few times tonight when I walked up to female friends and tried to join their conversation, only to realize that it was a girls-only conversation...they would change the subject, or start speaking in unusually abstract ways, etc. It wasn't an in-your-face sort of "Get out of our conversation!" exchange; instead, more of a "we'll be polite and deny that we changed the subject because you're here, but if you could give us a few minutes nonetheless that would be great" sort of feeling. It's completely understandable, at least once or twice, but it got really old the fifth and sixth times. Ugh. It's no wonder that I have lingering feelings of not making as many friends here -- or doing so as quickly -- as I expected.

Okay, that's done. Now onto the other issue that is roaming through my brain:

I can't figure out why I'm still so interested in joining the Navy after medical school.

It's not like I have to make the decision immediately. But although I'm not applying to med school right now, the Navy idea won't go away. Please realize that doesn't necessarily mean I've made the decision to join the Navy...but I'm certainly thinking about it.

Some of my friends think it's crazy. Why would I join the Navy to pay for school when I'm probably going to make $200,000+ per year once I'm out of school? Why should I put myself in harm's way, especially considering the current state of world affairs, if it's not really necessary? Wouldn't I be better off just taking out more loans for the next few years? How could I possibly have a family while trying to handle the challenges of both medical school and life in the Navy? The list goes on and on and on.

Those are all good reasons, yet I feel like I'm not hearing them now. I feel like I could learn a lot through that experience, gain some valuable contacts, pay off school, and really do something to....well, serve my country. I don't want to use Bush's favorite "patrio...." word because his use of it is really disgusting, but I'll say that some component of that idea is present in my mind.

Won't I be killing my changes of a successful medical career outside the navy? Good question. I don't think so, but I don't have any real data to back up that opinion.

Won't I have to spend long stretches of time away from my "home" -- whereever that will be -- and my family? Probably.

Shouldn't you put away this silly Navy idea and just focus on being a doctor? Perhaps. Some people will probably think this is just another instance of me trying to do too many things at once. But each time I walk through BWI and see the soldiers returning from Iraq -- there were nearly a hundred there when I came back from CA this week -- don't you think you should also do your part? Make the decision to take the hard road in the chance that you might get some really unique experiences (educational and otherwise) from that time? Don't you realize that many of those uniforms at BWI are kids younger than I am, and that they've made this commitment?

I wish I could talk to somebody about this. Someone with answers...not answers for the question of whether I should join, but instead answers about the program, the people, what it's like, where it'll take me.

Once again, I'm so happy I don't have to make this decision now. But, still, the idea persists.

Soooooo tired, as usual. Sleepytime.

Current mood: Apprehensive
Current song: REM, "Drive"

I'm in Tahoe, taking a break from wedding activities to get some work done. Or at least I'm trying to get some work done.

It has been an interesting weekend, to say the least. A weekend to (briefly) see my home for the last six years, to realize that I've finally broken some of the bonds that held me for the last few years.

It has been a weekend to see people in love, to see long-anticipated events finally happen, and to catch up with old friends. A weekend to meet new people, to lose your breath in an instant, and to laugh at yourself all the time.

And now it's a weekend to balance my student life with my non-student life. I have to finish a paper and a problem set before I go to Reno tonight...

I saw it within 60 seconds of its online posting.

"AP Reports Clark Withdrawing From Race (11:07 EST)"

Well, that was pretty devastating. I didn't take the announcement as hard as some of my co-interns did, but it was still a tough pill to swallow. I'm too sad to be angry, too busy to write much now, and too tired to not be asleep. And even though it's well past 4am, I have to get these thoughts out of my mind before I can rest.

But I will look back back on this night, that's for sure. I don't think Bush has won yet, but I feel that the Democrats squandered a huge benefit tonight. The exit polls suggest that democratic voters want a candidate who can beat Bush, yet many voters decided that Kerry was the most electable because -- get this -- he won early primaries. Thus, we are picking a candidate to beat Bush and appeal to most of the nation based on whether he is liked by a handful of Democrats in less than a handful of states. Does that make any sense to anyone?

And doesn't anyone think that his support could disappear as quickly as it suddenly appeared, and that perhaps his new supporters will be as flighty when they're sitting in the voting booth on election day?

In contrast, is anyone thinking about the general election? You know, the one where everyone can vote, not just your own party? Has anyone looked beyond the nationwide Bush-vs-Kerry polls to see what the Bush-vs-Kerry numbers look like in Tennessee? Ugh. C'mon, people, it's not too hard to see that Kerry might not do as well down there. If Al Gore couldn't win Tennessee (or any of the rest of the South) in 2000, what makes people think that a liberal New England senator can win them now? Like my previous post said, no Democrat has ever won the presidency without winning at least 5 southern states.

And what about the fact that he's a senator? Senators have had terrible luck with presidential elections in not-so-recent history. (Although, to be fair, both of the leading democratic candidates are senators, so perhaps we don't have a choice. Nonetheless, that doesn't give me much more luck for the general election.)

Don't get me wrong -- I have no hatred for John Kerry. I think he's a great person. I'm glad he's in the Senate. I worked at one of his fundraisers in California in fall 2002, shook his hand, spoke with him for a few moments. He's a great speaker, has a very impressive presence, and he belives in many of the same things I believe. But that doesn't mean I think he's our best candidate.

Looking back on Michael Moore's comments about General Clark, I feel my cynicism start to emerge. I haven't given up hope for the general election, and I will undoubtedly support the democratic nominee, but I've lost a lot of faith in the choices of my fellow citizens. (No, that does not mean I've lost my faith in democracy.)

I am convinced that the surest slam dunk to remove Bush is with a four-star-general-top-of-his-class-at-West-Point-Rhodes-Scholar-Medal-of-Freedom-winning-gun-owner-from-the-South -- who also, by chance, happens to be pro-choice, pro environment, and anti-war. You don't get handed a gift like this very often. I hope the liberal/left is wise enough to accept it. It's hard, when you're so used to losing, to think that this time you can actually win. It is Clark who stands the best chance -- maybe the only chance -- to win those Southern and Midwestern states that we MUST win in order to accomplish Bush Removal.

Republican strategists will sleep easier now that Clark is out of the race. I will not.

Current mood: Dark. Sad.
Current song: Enya, "Boadicea" and Counting Crows, "Raining in Baltimore"

It's not yet 5pm, and I've accomplished more today -- at least in terms of academics and the job search -- than in the last two weeks combined. Cool.

Off to the library...

Current mood: Strangly optimistic.
Current song: Boston, "More Than a Feeling"