Ugh. The last three days have been awful. I'll explain later.
Evanescence's "Going Under" is my theme for this week. It vents my anger.
Thursday, July 31, 2003
Monday, July 28, 2003
Considering my experience with hypnosis, I found this article on meditation pretty exciting.
"Meditation is being recommended by more and more physicians as a way to prevent, slow or at least control the pain of chronic diseases like heart conditions, AIDS, cancer and infertility. It is also being used to restore balance in the face of such psychiatric disturbances as depression, hyperactivity and attention-deficit disorder (ADD). In a confluence of Eastern mysticism and Western science, doctors are embracing meditation not because they think it's hip or cool but because scientific studies are beginning to show that it works, particularly for stress-related conditions."
"Meditation is being recommended by more and more physicians as a way to prevent, slow or at least control the pain of chronic diseases like heart conditions, AIDS, cancer and infertility. It is also being used to restore balance in the face of such psychiatric disturbances as depression, hyperactivity and attention-deficit disorder (ADD). In a confluence of Eastern mysticism and Western science, doctors are embracing meditation not because they think it's hip or cool but because scientific studies are beginning to show that it works, particularly for stress-related conditions."
Friday, July 25, 2003
A speech from six years ago that I still reflect on today:
"Love is life's longing for itself, says the Prophet, in a book by Kahlil Gibran. For me, that comes the closest to explaining why we love you -- which is why we are working in this school district, why is why we are in this world. Because most of us -- teachers, principals, secretaries, coaches, administrators, patents, volunteers -- are not here for the money or the intellectual challenge or because we have no other choice; we are here for love.
"I myself did not sign on to this job for love. I signed on to the school board to pursue and social and political ideal. Three years later I have met with little success in that regard, but I gained something else instead. I have learned at gut level what I had known only in theory: that tangible results and official accomplishments are not the only measure of success in work and in life.
"The first years I was on the board I met with a group of Lakeridge kids to talk about school issues. These students came to my house once a month to share stories, ask questions, offer ideas; there were savvy and insightful and often drop-dead funny, open an generous, honest and thoughtful, and -- most amazingly -- they trusted me and each other. They taught me, by example, what I was really here for, and it wasn't the academic task. I was here for them, and for me, and for the connection between us. I was here for love.
"Caring, helping, supporting one another; feeling sympathy, affection, excitement; sharing a personal connection, being on the same wavelength: love is the sine qua non, the essential element, without which nothing we do has meaning or purpose or lasting value.
"But of course, love is not just warm and fuzzy, like a Hallmark card or a Meg Ryan movie -- as you probably know, it can be 10 parts pain to 1 part pleasure. No, it is both reward and punishment for being alive, for getting involved, for leading with your heart. I said to my friend, 16-year old Alexis, "I've decided to talk about love at graduation. Tell me something about love, Alexis." "Love," she says, "it sucks." So I had to give Alexis a copy of The Velveteen Rabbit -- we education people are always giving people books -- wherein the Skin Horse places the pain of love in its proper context, the context of being real.
When a child loves you for a long long time," the Skin Horse says, "not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen to toys who break easily, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But those things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can'y be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
"Which is to say, we are here because we need you as much as you need us -- you make us glad and proud, exhausted and used up -- you make us Real.
Love is life's longing for itself. And we see our lives reflected in yours; in your incessant guitar-playing, your interminable phone conversations, your obsessions and idiosyncrasies...we see ourselves reflected in you, in your excuses and apathy and infuriating procrastination, in your heartbreaking misery and despair, in your painfully familiar self-consciousness and shyness, in your stubbornness, your impatience, your hopefulness when the odds are terrible, in your disappointment with the world, in your screw-ups and failures, in your energy and determination and fundamental goodness -- you remind us of nobody like ourselves. And thus you keep us connected -- hopeful, vulnerable, and still believing in love.
"So. I recommend that you stay open to taking the emotional venture, the personal risk, that you stay open to life and to love. Imperfect as it is, painful as it can be, it still comes back more than anything else ever will. When your heart lurches, trust it -- it knows the work you should be doing, the risk you should be taking, the person you should be getting to know.
"And if you remember nothing else from high school, not the Pythagorean Theorem or the taxonomic classifications, remember this: you are loved. That's why we are here. And everyone single one of you will be sorely missed -- as the Skin Horse said, it hurts sometimes."
Susan Blackman
Lakeridge High School graduation
June 5, 1997
"Love is life's longing for itself, says the Prophet, in a book by Kahlil Gibran. For me, that comes the closest to explaining why we love you -- which is why we are working in this school district, why is why we are in this world. Because most of us -- teachers, principals, secretaries, coaches, administrators, patents, volunteers -- are not here for the money or the intellectual challenge or because we have no other choice; we are here for love.
"I myself did not sign on to this job for love. I signed on to the school board to pursue and social and political ideal. Three years later I have met with little success in that regard, but I gained something else instead. I have learned at gut level what I had known only in theory: that tangible results and official accomplishments are not the only measure of success in work and in life.
"The first years I was on the board I met with a group of Lakeridge kids to talk about school issues. These students came to my house once a month to share stories, ask questions, offer ideas; there were savvy and insightful and often drop-dead funny, open an generous, honest and thoughtful, and -- most amazingly -- they trusted me and each other. They taught me, by example, what I was really here for, and it wasn't the academic task. I was here for them, and for me, and for the connection between us. I was here for love.
"Caring, helping, supporting one another; feeling sympathy, affection, excitement; sharing a personal connection, being on the same wavelength: love is the sine qua non, the essential element, without which nothing we do has meaning or purpose or lasting value.
"But of course, love is not just warm and fuzzy, like a Hallmark card or a Meg Ryan movie -- as you probably know, it can be 10 parts pain to 1 part pleasure. No, it is both reward and punishment for being alive, for getting involved, for leading with your heart. I said to my friend, 16-year old Alexis, "I've decided to talk about love at graduation. Tell me something about love, Alexis." "Love," she says, "it sucks." So I had to give Alexis a copy of The Velveteen Rabbit -- we education people are always giving people books -- wherein the Skin Horse places the pain of love in its proper context, the context of being real.
When a child loves you for a long long time," the Skin Horse says, "not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen to toys who break easily, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But those things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can'y be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
"Which is to say, we are here because we need you as much as you need us -- you make us glad and proud, exhausted and used up -- you make us Real.
Love is life's longing for itself. And we see our lives reflected in yours; in your incessant guitar-playing, your interminable phone conversations, your obsessions and idiosyncrasies...we see ourselves reflected in you, in your excuses and apathy and infuriating procrastination, in your heartbreaking misery and despair, in your painfully familiar self-consciousness and shyness, in your stubbornness, your impatience, your hopefulness when the odds are terrible, in your disappointment with the world, in your screw-ups and failures, in your energy and determination and fundamental goodness -- you remind us of nobody like ourselves. And thus you keep us connected -- hopeful, vulnerable, and still believing in love.
"So. I recommend that you stay open to taking the emotional venture, the personal risk, that you stay open to life and to love. Imperfect as it is, painful as it can be, it still comes back more than anything else ever will. When your heart lurches, trust it -- it knows the work you should be doing, the risk you should be taking, the person you should be getting to know.
"And if you remember nothing else from high school, not the Pythagorean Theorem or the taxonomic classifications, remember this: you are loved. That's why we are here. And everyone single one of you will be sorely missed -- as the Skin Horse said, it hurts sometimes."
Susan Blackman
Lakeridge High School graduation
June 5, 1997
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Friday, July 18, 2003
I want to cook. I miss being able to burn off stress by doing something productive. Studying for the MCAT doesn't help in that regard.
My fan broke. :-( Do I buy another one for the summer, then ship it home? Or just deal with the heat?
Living and interacting with the kids in the high school program has made me reflect a lot on my own personal development. One of the staff members commented early in the program that the social dynamics among high school student is the closest thing we can get to human nature. I don't know if I agree with that, but it's an interesting thought. How much do we grow up after high school? Certainly, our view of the world changes immensely, but how much do our social habits change? At the risk of echoing the useless social commentary on Sex and the City, how much do our interactions fundamentally change from the high school hallways to corporate America? Or from gender-segregated high school dances to the local bar scene?
My fan broke. :-( Do I buy another one for the summer, then ship it home? Or just deal with the heat?
Living and interacting with the kids in the high school program has made me reflect a lot on my own personal development. One of the staff members commented early in the program that the social dynamics among high school student is the closest thing we can get to human nature. I don't know if I agree with that, but it's an interesting thought. How much do we grow up after high school? Certainly, our view of the world changes immensely, but how much do our social habits change? At the risk of echoing the useless social commentary on Sex and the City, how much do our interactions fundamentally change from the high school hallways to corporate America? Or from gender-segregated high school dances to the local bar scene?
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Monday, July 14, 2003
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
No luck so far in the Baltimore apartment search. More calls today.
Thanks to Laurel for pointing me toward an online Myers-Brigs test. I'm an ENFJ. How about you? I ususally give these things about as much credibility as the horoscope, but the few "type descriptions" I've seen have been a pretty good match to people I know of that type. (Did that make any sense?) I'm a little disappointed that I'm the same M-B type as Ronald Reagan, but I suppose I'll get over it. :-)
More MCAT class tonight. I think we're doing general chemistry tonight -- probably the least interesting part (and often the most difficult, at least for me) of the entire exam.
Today I committed myself to $33,717 in student loans. Yay. And when I get time in the next few days, I'll open up a checking account with Citibank and file for another $15,000 or so. Exciting, no? At least the interest rate is ridiculously low. My dad tells me that when he and my mom moved to New York (with me...I was probably 2 years old at the time), the prime rate was a little above 17%. Wow.
Work was boring today. 17 days left.
I'm writing a hand-written letter. Not right now, obviously, but recently I've been working on it. It's a strangely foreign exercise.
Still waiting for my Summer College paycheck. They already deducted my housing and food expenses from my SAA paycheck -- leaving me with $27.04 -- so I'm hoping I can get the other paycheck soon.
25 minutes of work left. Time to act like I'm working. :-)
Thanks to Laurel for pointing me toward an online Myers-Brigs test. I'm an ENFJ. How about you? I ususally give these things about as much credibility as the horoscope, but the few "type descriptions" I've seen have been a pretty good match to people I know of that type. (Did that make any sense?) I'm a little disappointed that I'm the same M-B type as Ronald Reagan, but I suppose I'll get over it. :-)
More MCAT class tonight. I think we're doing general chemistry tonight -- probably the least interesting part (and often the most difficult, at least for me) of the entire exam.
Today I committed myself to $33,717 in student loans. Yay. And when I get time in the next few days, I'll open up a checking account with Citibank and file for another $15,000 or so. Exciting, no? At least the interest rate is ridiculously low. My dad tells me that when he and my mom moved to New York (with me...I was probably 2 years old at the time), the prime rate was a little above 17%. Wow.
Work was boring today. 17 days left.
I'm writing a hand-written letter. Not right now, obviously, but recently I've been working on it. It's a strangely foreign exercise.
Still waiting for my Summer College paycheck. They already deducted my housing and food expenses from my SAA paycheck -- leaving me with $27.04 -- so I'm hoping I can get the other paycheck soon.
25 minutes of work left. Time to act like I'm working. :-)
Monday, July 07, 2003
Sunday, July 06, 2003
Friday, July 04, 2003
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